100 Things
by purplefishcake
Summary: Being stranded in a deserted desert, the Phoenix Wright characters began to write 100 things they knew about each other while waiting for help to arrive. OOCness included..
1. April May

"It's a beautiful night and we're looking for something dumb to do," Pearl began, her mouth twitching into a smile as she quoted the first line of Bruno Mars' song 'Marry You'. She received a look from Detective Gumshoe saying '_Not now Kiddo. Everyone's cranky right now. Try later when the adults don't feel like eating each other.'_ Pearl frowned but she reluctantly nodded.

They were all stranded in the middle of a deserted desert and they'd eaten all their camels and finished their entire water supply before they remembered they all had phones. Now they had to wait for help to arrive and that would take a while.

"Let's write one hundred facts about every person we know!" Maya suggested, clapping her hands together and nodding her head. "We could write all sorts of embarassing facts about each other and the person we write about has no say in what we write about them so we'll have the freedom of writing content."

After much persuasion from the influential sixteen-year-old (benchpress record: fifty billion kg (1) ), they decided to go along with the idea. It didn't seem that bad.

"If we're going to write about everyone, then I think we should write in alphabetical order. If we don't, some people might escape the embarassment," Gumshoe voiced out.

Everyone stared at him. That was the single most intelligent thing Gumshoe ever said. They didn't say it out loud, though, not even Franziska. They had all been super nice to him ever since it had been proven that the monkey from the Berry Big Circus had a higher IQ than him.

They began with April May.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) Her first name and last name are both the names of months.<strong>

**(2) The months in her names are consecutive.**

**(3) Her first name is spelt A-P-R-I-L.**

**(4) She doesn't believe in Santa anymore.**

"You mean Santa's not real?" tears brimmed in Pearl and Trucy's eyes.

Everyone received a painful whip from Franziska.

**(5) She likes the colour pink.**

**(6) She says the word 'like' excessively.**

**(7) She is pure evil.**

**(8) She winks excessively.**

**(9) When she's angry, her button rotates 180 degrees.**

**(10) She does that without anyone knowing how she does that.**

**(11) She's a girl.**

**(12) It has been proven that she's a girl.**

**(13) Some people thought that she might have been a boy before it had been proven.**

The stared at Gumshoe.

"What? It's true.." he replied, lowering his head slightly out of shame.

**(14) She lies a lot.**

"Pearls, the lesson we've learnt from her case is that lying is a bad thing and it can send you to prison. Unless you want to share a room with a bad guy, do not lie," Phoenix said. Playing a motherly-role in Pearl's life was a tough thing to do.

"But you lie all the time that you don't like Mystic Maya that way, even though you do!" Pearl replied.

Phoenix had no answer to that. He didn't want to ruin her dreams even more after she found out that Santa didn't exist.

(**15) She wiretaps people.**

**(16) She knows where to get a wiretap.**

**(17) She worked in Bluecorp.**

**(18) She holds grudges easily.**

**(19) She looks really ugly when she's angry.**

**(20) Ugly enough to make people think that she's a dude even though most dudes look better than her. Take Shrek for example.**

They still stared at Gumshoe at this one. He pouted and curled into a ball in a corner of their sand-igloo.

**(21) She can work for a guy who becomes shiny when he's angry and**_** not**_** turn blind.**

**(22) That's a gift. I think.**

**(23) She got sent to prison.**

**(24) She fails in life.**

**(25) When she winks, her tongue sticks out.**

**(26) That might be a serious disease.**

**(27) Said serious disease might cause death.**

**(28) She might die pretty soon.**

**(29) A sixteen-year-old assasin is out to kill her for blaming her cousin of murder.**

They snuck glances at Pearl as she smiled innocently and discussed Phoenix and Maya's future wedding plans with Trucy.

**(30) She likes hearts.**

**(31) She balls her fists together to make them look like paws and pretends to be animals.**

**(32) She probably has an animal obsession.**

"When you say 'probably', it means you're not sure about it, so it's an opinion," Edgeworth pointed out.

**(32) She probably has an animal obsession.**

**(32) She has an unhealthy animal obsession that would lead her to her doom. Mwhahahahaahhahahahahah.**

They gang stared at Pearl after she re-wrote the thirty second fact. They slowly scooted away from her.

**(33) She flirts excessively.**

**(34) Because I don't know who she is, she's not important, therefore no one would know if she was suddenly murdered.**

Their stares turned to Trucy. Pearl is becoming a violent influence on her.

**(35) She will be the first person Pearl would sacrifice to aliens if they ever do try to dominate the world.**

**(36) She is the reason behind Pearl's murderous actions and thoughts.**

**(37) She shares the same initials as Anti-Meridian (A.M., you know, like six A.M in the morning.. the time we have to wake up to go to school -.-)**

**(38) No one cares about the above fact about April May, ergo no one cares about her.**

Edgeworth made his point.

**(39) Her left eye twitches when she's angry.**

**(40) It could be because of a growth deficit.**

**(41) She's scared of her boss.**

**(42) She's old now.**

**(43) Being a girl, she would hate being called old right now.**

**(44) She has two eyes.**

**(45) She has one nose.**

**(46) She has one mouth.**

**(47) She has two ears.**

Everyone's eyebrow's were raised. "What? I ran out of ideas.." Phoenix sulked.

**(48) She sounds stupid.**

**(49) She can speak.**

**(50) Because she can speak, she's not mute.**

**(51) She's not deaf either so it's going to be hard sneaking up on her to give her a death blow.**

They scooted further away from Pearl.

**(52) She hates Daddy, and because she hates him, I hate her too.**

Everyone awed at how cute Trucy sounded...until she wrote the next fact.

**(53) She won't be killed by a sixteen-year-old assasin. She's going to be killed by **_**two**_** sixteen-year-old assasins.**

**(54) Before she dies, she would be tortured to watch things appear and disappear out of and into one of the assasin's Magic Panties.**

**(55) The other asssasin would channel a sumo wretler's spirit and challenge her to a sumo fight while she sees things appear and disappear out of and into Magic Panties.**

**(56) She's not dead.**

**(57) YET.**

They scooted even further from Pearl and now, they have just begun scooting away from Trucy.

**(58) She's crazy enough to dye her hair pink.**

**(59) She didn't dye her hair red.**

**(60) She didn't dye her hair orange.**

**(61) She didn't dye her hair yellow.**

**(62) She didn't dye her hair green.**

**(63) She didn't dye her hair blue.**

**(64) She didn't dye her hair indigo.**

**(65) She didn't dye her hair violet.**

**(66) She seems dumb enough not to know her own gender.**

"Erm, I think among every person she's ever met, you're the only one who got her gender wrong." Gumshoe sulked and went back into his corner.

**(67) Her button stays upside down the whole time she's angry.**

**(68) She's not very cooperative.**

**(69) She works as a secretary to Redd White.**

**(70) That's her age. 70.**

"No it's not. I think we were about the same age..." Larry trailed off. He remembered looking at her profile a couple years back.

"But people who are going to die soon age faster." There was an evil glint in Pearl and Trucy's eyes.

Everyone else shuddered.

**(71) She secretly has facial hair.**

**(72) Because she has facial hair, she shaves.**

**(73) She shaves everyday.**

"How do you know this?" Maya asked Pearl, her eyes widening a little, "You put my 'How to Properly Stalk People' book to good use! You're the best cousin ever!"

**(74) People who don't care about her has already prepared a gravestone for her.**

**(75) A pink gravestone.**

**(76) Made from cow dung.**

**(77) She's mean.**

**(78) She's not blind.**

**(79) YET.**

The adults finally gave up on Pearl. She's not going to stop picturing April May's death. Besides, she was too sweet to kill anyone. So they think.

**(80) She has killed ants before.**

**(81) She has killed mosquitos before.**

**(82) Soon, an army of ants seeking vengeance will attack her.**

**(83) After the army of ants attack, she would suffer from blood loss from too many mosquitos sucking her blood.**

**(84) She drinks water without actually checking if there is poison in her water or not.**

**(85) She eats her food without checking if there are poisons in her food.**

**(86) She's an easy murder target.**

**(87) She doesn't wear glasses.**

**(88) There are at least two people on this planet who want her dead.**

**(89) If she were a boy, she would look like a sissy.**

**(90) I'M TALLER THAN HER.**

Gumshoe grinned from ear to ear at his sudden realisation.

**(91) If she became a lion tamer and the lion ate her, it is proof that animals hate her.**

**(92) She's not married yet.**

**(93) Only her skirt isn't pink. **

**(94) She never changes her clothes.**

**(95) So she doesn't take baths while she's in prison.**

**(96) She fails in hygene.**

**(97) Her eyes aren't pink.**

**(98) But they will be covered in blood.**

**(99) SOON.**

**(100) Her tongue is pink.**

* * *

><p>They were finally finished. It was a tiring activity but it was still rather fun. That night, before they went to sleep, they hid every sharp object or anything hard enough to kill away from Pearl and Trucy.<p>

Their next victim? Alita Tiala.

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><p><strong>AR: Honestly, this is the longest chapter I've ever made, but it was still fun~~ I'm so sorry to those of you out there who are still waiting for updates on my other unfinished fics, but then my dad kept scolding me about multitasking and such and that I'd do a better job if I focus on one thing at a time that I decided to try it out. I will update other fics once this fic ends. On another note, the sequence of names are based on the little characters' box on the Ace Attorney fanfictions page.**

**(1) Benchpress is, well, the heaviest amount of weights a person can lift. So for Pearl to be able to lift weights that heavy... Yeah. Anyways, we all know I just pulled that number out of thin air, right?**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	2. Alita Tiala

"The security guard at the detention centre just tweeted that April May had died an hour ago because of heart attack." Upon hearing this, all eyes turned to the two innocent young teenagers sipping imaginary tea out of imaginary tea cups made of imaginary unicorn fur.

"We didn't kill anyone at all," said Pearl in a British accent, "we're all stuck in this deserted desert, aren't we?"

"I can testify to that! We've been having this tea party since this morning when we woke up, mon," said Trucy in a Jamaican accent.

They gave it up, hoping that the girls weren't lying.

Silence.

"So tell me, who's Alita Tiala again?" Trucy asked, breaking the silence.

Klavier Gavin began giving her a very detailed description of Alita Tiala, her facial expressions, her wicked plots and the way the letters in her name curve or straighten.

With that, they began.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) Her first name is an anagram of her last name.<strong>

**(2) Her last name is an anagram of her first name.**

**(3) She's not bald.**

**(4) Yet.**

"Erm, Pearls? She didn't do anything mean to me at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure she doesn't even remember me, so could you please stop this murderous intent on killing every person we write insulting lists of?" Phoenix suggested, already creeped out by how Pearl grew so scary over the years.

"Oh but Mr. Nick! She's a she, after all. I wouldn't want her to steal you away from Mystic Maya. You guys belong with each other!"

"I have to agree with her, Daddy!"

"Yes! And later when you guys are married, we would be sisters! I'm so glad Mystic Maya decided to adopt me. We could play with your magic underwear everyday and get Mr. Hat to do our laundry!"

Phoenix groaned. The two girls were rubbing off on each other the wrong way.

**(5) She's a she.**

**(6) It's likely that she's not a he.**

**(7) She's evil.**

**(8) Pure evil.**

Apollo shivered as he finished writing the word 'evil'. He began sweating cold sweat as he pictured the evil look on Alita's face.

He had nightmares about her after that case.

Nightmares that continued itself every night.

He shivered again and cried 'manly tears'.

**(9) She's actually kind of pretty.**

At this point, all eyebrows were raised at Detective Gumshoe.

Trucy suddenly said, "Hah! If she's pretty then she _is_ in the way of Daddy and Mystic Maya's relationship!"

Pearl agreed and smiled. Finally, someone is seeing things her way.

Everyone else sweatdropped.

**(10) Her age is unknown.**

**(11) To us, at least.**

**(12) She worked as a nurse before.**

**(13) So she knows a lot of dead people.**

**(14) She might have been the nurse that treated Godot.**

**(15) She likes to wear dresses.**

**(16) She sounds like a girl.**

**(17) She doesn't sound like a dude.**

**(18) She looks like a girl.**

**(19) She doesn't look like a dude.**

**(20) But she **_**might**_** be one.**

"What? You'll never know," concluded Pearl after recieving blank stares and open mouths from the whole party.

**(21) 'Alita' is Spanish for 'little wing'**

**(22) Alita spelt backwards is 'Atila'**

**(23) Alita spelt backwards spelt backwards is still 'Alita'**

**(24) She's not from Egypt.**

**(25) She doesn't know where we are.**

**(26) She's the cause of Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya not being married right now.**

"Um, Pearls, I thought we cleared up the fact that—"

"SHUSH! I'M GOING TO BLAME EVERY SINGLE WOMEN WE COME ACROSS FOR YOU LOVEBIRDS NOT BEING MARRIED!" Pearl screamed.

"If she's blaming every female for that, then it _must _be true since she's got ESP and all," Trucy said.

"Trucy.. I'd rather you stop encouraging her.." Phoenix looked depressed.

**(27) She's a killer.**

**(28) So she probably knows a lot of different way to kill people.**

**(29) She'd make a great ally.**

"Pearly, remember what I said about killing people when we were out asking unicorns for their fur?" Maya said, growing slightly concerned about her favourite and only cousin.

Pearl just gave her an innocent smile.

**(30) I'm guessing her age to be eighty.**

**(31) She has a total of ten fingers.**

**(32) She came out of her mommy's tummy.**

**(33) Her name begins with an A.**

**(34) The second letter of her name is L**

**(35) The third: I**

**(36) Fourth: T**

**(37) Last: ****A**

**(38) SHE STINKS!**

**(39) CAPITALIZED!**

**(40) SHE DOESN'T DESERVE TO LIVE!**

"PEARLY! STOP CAPITALIZING THINGS!" Maya screamed.

"I don't want to! Everything in caps lock fits. It makes sense _and_ it looks better that way."

"I don't get why our laptop works in the middle of nowhere.. I mean, how does the battery last anyways? Aren't we supposed to charge it every so hours?" Gumshoe asked, earning gasps from everyone else from saying something smart.

Edgeworth shook his head. "Gumshoe, you have a lot to learn. You see that ugly man running inside a big revolving circle?," Edgeworth pointed at an exhausted Winston Payne running inside a hamster wheel, "Yeah, he's supplying energy for us like hamsters do on TV. Run faster you ugly old man!"

**(41) h****er eyes are brown****.**

**(42) t****he same colour as poo****.**

**(43) They probably are made of poo.**

**(44) Dog poo.**

**(45) Hamster poo.**

**(46) Ostrich poo.**

**(47) Platypus poo.**

**(48) Alien poo; assuming that aliens do poo and that their poo is brown.**

**(49) Her dress is yellow.**

**(50) Like pee.**

**(51) She probably dyed it in pee.**

**(52) Cat pee.**

**(53) Mouse pee.**

**(54) Penguin pee.**

**(55) Beaver pee.**

**(56) Alien pee; assuming aliens do pee and that their pee is yellow.**

"What's with all the 'pee' and 'poo' nonsense? Isn't that a little.. childish?" Apollo asked.

Trucy and Pearl just glared at him, making mental notes to themselves hide scorpions in his clothes tomorrow morning and to give him a 'nice' haircut while he's sleeping. And also to make him eat lots of peanut butter tonight before he sleeps so that his 'chords of steel' won't work tomorrow morning.

**(57) She's a foolishly foolish fool.**

**(58) A foolishly foolish fool who does foolishly foolish crimes.**

**(59) A foolishly foolish fool who does foolishly foolish crimes for her own foolishly foolish desires.**

Franziska grinned from ear to ear after writing that while everone just shrugged. That was to be expected of her to write.

**(60) She's got a total of ten fingers.**

**(61) She's got a total of ten toes.**

**(62) She's not born on the 30th of February.**

**(63) Not on the 31st either.**

"That's because those dates don't exist, you foolishly foolish fool!" Franziska screamed. After her phone ran out of battery she plugged it into the cable connecting to Winston Payne's little hamster wheel. And now, she doesn't have anything occupying her time anymore besides screaming random insults at people.

"Which is precisely why she couldn't have been born on those dates!" Detective Gumshoe said, trying to stand up for himself.

**(64) She, like any other person, came out of her mommy's tummy.**

**(65) She wasn't eaten by her parents.**

**(66) Which is why she's still alive right now.**

**(67) Her great, great, great, great grandmother is dead.**

**(68) Her great, great, great, great grandfather is dead.**

**(69) She pretended to be in love with her fiancé.**

**(70) She knew her fiancé was going to die.**

**(71) She needs to be whipped.**

Pearl smiled. That did the trick. She just needed to write the evil deeds she had done to get Franziska to beat her up later. Franziska will make Alita's life hell.

**(72) If you lock her into a cage filled with tarantulas, she will scream.**

**(73) If you lock her into a cage filled with poo, she will scream.**

**(74) If you lock her into a cage filled with pee, she will scream.**

**(75) If you lock her into a cage filled with old men learning the art of make-up, she will scream and her expression would be like WTH?**

**(76) If you lock her into a cage filled with chocolate, she will scream and gain 100 kilos.**

**(77) She needs to go to the bathroom at least once a day.**

**(78) She blinks at least once a day.**

**(79) She inhales at least once a day.**

**(80) She exhales at least once a day.**

**(81) She takes a bath at least once a day.**

**(82) Except when she's stranded in the middle of nowhere.**

**(83) In the middle of nowhere that doesn't have water.**

**(84) Not like us. Bwhahahhahahahaa.**

**(85) I hope she dies.**

**(86) Trucy hopes she dies.**

"Erm, Pearly, do we need to have that talk again? The one where I tell you that you're not allowed to kill people? They deserve to live, you know. Or do I need to take away all your unicorn fur and burn them right here right now?" Maya said, acting like a responsible adult.

Pearl gave another innocent smile. "Don't worry, I won't kill anyone."

Unsurprisingly, no one trusted that smile.

**(87) The day she becomes president would be the end of the world.**

**(88) The day she becomes president of the underworld would be the end of the underworld.**

**(89) Dahlia Hawthorne would make sure of that. It's her throne.**

**(90) I hope she has this many seconds to live.**

**(91) I'd be too generous to give her this many seconds to live.**

For safety measures, Phoenix got Gumshoe to bring lots of nail polish remover to him. They mixed the nail polish remover and swi—erm, another chemical together to create chloroform. (1) They're going to make sure Pearl becomes unconscious tonight. Unconscious enought to not kill anyone.

**(92) She knows how to count from one until ten.**

**(93) She knows how to do simple math.**

**(94) She knows how to spell simple words.**

**(95) She doesn't know how to differentiate a female and male dog. I can't.**

"Those poor, poor dogs," Larry wept, bring a little over-the-top, as per usual, "It's a pity I can't tell the difference between their genders, but they are all still so beautiful! They're all works of art!"

"Let's all just leave the crazy 'artist' alone, shall we?" Edgeworth offered, ushering Larry into a room far, far away so that nobody could hear his crying.

**(96) She has toes.**

**(97) For now.**

**(98) She has fingers.**

**(99) For now.**

**(100) She's going to die pretty soon.**

"NOW!" Phoenix signalled to Gumshoe, both of them grabbed opposite ends of a towel and pushed it toward her nose, making her inhale the chloroform.

She passed out in a matter of seconds.

"It's going to be safe now for a few hours until she wakes up. Let's just hope she doesn't kill anyone tonight.."

Phoenix nodded, agreeing with Gumshoe.

As another safety precaution, they were both going to take shifts in watching her. They both sighed at the same time.

Phoenix bed goodnight and left Gumshoe to watch the unconscious girl.

Gumshoe hummed as he kept watch. "So the next person's Acro. I can't wait to write about him."

* * *

><p><strong>AR: I'm finally done with the second chapter! :D You don't know how happy I am. Since she's one of the minor characters, I can't find much about her on Wikia. In the last chapter, I remembered typing a lot of zeros for Pearl's benchpress record, but it didn't appear in the posted one. I forgot how many zeros there were so I pulled another number out of thin air. I'm going to try to update again tomorrow. There are no promises, but I'm going to try. There's a total of ninety characters right now and I've only made lists for two. It's going to take a while to finish all of them so I hope you guys can be patient.**

**(1) I am NOT going to tell you how to make home-made chloroform. I don't want to be the cause of a mass production of home-made chloroform led by children. T.T But those of you curious people out there, I suggest you watch CSI. They tell you its components in one of the episodes. Good luck finding out which episode and which CSI I'm talking about :D**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	3. Acro

"Peeeaaaarrrll! We're going to be late for our picnic to the Sahara desert!" Trucy yelled, trying to wake Pearl up.

Pearl just lay there, sleeping.

Trucy continued shaking Pearl's body to wake her up then stopped when she realised that Pearl was probably dreaming of Maya and Phoenix's wedding day and the day they get lots and lots of children.

She smiled, pulled a warm blanket out of her Magic Underpants and draped it over Pearl. They were going to begin the list in the Sahara desert without her. She'll just have to join in later when she wakes up.

She walked out of the tent she and Pearl shared and sat down on the sand outside their tent. "Attention all passengers! We're currently heading towards the Sahara desert. Please buckle your seat belts," she said as she pulled scorpions and string out of her Magic Underpants and tied the string around each scorpion, forming a long chain. Then she got out a bogey-board and sat on it. She screamed, "HIYAAAHHHH!" and the scorpions raced on the sand, dragging her along. Just like what Santa's reindeers would for Santa.

"Where's Pearl?" Maya asked, growing slightly worried from her cousin not being there.

"She's still sleeping. I left her a note telling her to walk twenty steps away from her tent away from the place where Detective Gumshoe made chocolate cake in. You can still smell it from here.. I can't believe we use the camel's cake to make fires. I mean, that's terribly disgusting!"

"Trucy.. It isn't _that_ smelly," Gumshoe said, sounding slightly hurt.

* * *

><p>"Well, let's begin with the most obvious fact."<p>

**(1) He's a he.**

**(2) We've all forgotten his real name.**

**(3) Because everyone calls him 'Acro'**

**(4) He looks like an Indian.**

**(5) Maybe an Indian pirate.**

**(6) An Indian pirate with non-talking birds at his beck and call.**

**(7) He sits in a wheelchair.**

**(8) Or at least, used to.**

**(9) His legs are paralysed.**

**(10) No one here knows whether it's still paralyzed or not.**

**(11) He probably had trouble getting into and out of bed.**

**(12) He probably had trouble taking baths.**

**(13) It'd be a miracle if he takes baths at all.**

**(14) He knows how to walk on a tightrope.**

**(15) He worked in a circus.**

**(16) He knows his ABCs.**

**(17) He can't do the split.**

**(18) Not when his legs are in a paralyzed condition anyways.**

**(19) He probably could before his legs were paralyzed.**

**(20) He can probably do it now if his legs aren't paralyzed anymore.**

"Why are you making such a fuss over the split?" Larry asked, confused, "I can do the split, you know," he added, after a little thought involving more girls going crazy over him if they knew he could do the split.

Trucy stuck her tongue out. "Eventhough I don't know this Acro person, I'm just typing whatever comes to mind when I think about a tightrope walker. Besides, a split is really cool!"

**(21) He's friends with a monkey.**

**(22) Roomates too.**

**(23) He likes to laugh.**

**(24) I think.**

**(25) Birds are somewhat attracted to him.**

**(26) Maybe birds go for the Indian types.**

**(27) Maybe all the birds around him are trying their best to get kissed by him.**

**(28) So that they can turn into princesses.**

**(29) Then marry him.**

**(30) Then have lots of mutant half-human-half-bird kids.**

**(31) They're going to start a revolution.**

**(32) But if the birds do turn into princesses when Acro kisses them, then that means Acro's a prince.**

**(33) A prince in disguise.**

"First the split and now princes? Make up your mind Trucy!_Girls!" _Larry groaned. At this rate, he wasn't going to find out what girls like about men any time soon.

"Princes are awesome! And I think Mr. Nick's a prince too!" Pearl said, joining in the cconversation.

"Pearl! You woke up!" Trucy grinned, hugging her soon-to-be half-sister-if-their-evil-plan-goes-well.

Everyone else groaned. The list was going to be very evil from then on.

**(34) His wheelchair doesn't go ten billion kilometers an hour.**

**(35) His wheelchair doesn't goten nanometers an hour.**

**(36) He doesn't scream '!' as he rides his wheelchair.**

**(37) He doesn't scream "!" either.**

**(38) He has drunk water before.**

**(39) He has a brother.**

**(40) They are orphans.**

**(41) He doesn't have an evil stepmother.**

**(42) He doesn't have an evil stepfather.**

"Evil stepmother? Evil stepmother? What is this? Cinderella?" Larry complained yet again.

Pearl shot him a glare, then an evilly innocent smile. "If you don't shut up, bad things will happen to you."

**(43) They were adopted by an old man.**

**(44) So for a couple of years, he lived under the guardianship of a fat old man.**

**(45) Who looked kinda like Santa.**

**(46) He doesn't own a rocket.**

**(47) He doesn't own a spaceship.**

**(48) He can't afford a rocket.**

**(49) He can't afford a spaceship.**

**(50) He can't afford either of them until he suddenly decides to become a thief or join a profession that earns a lot of money.**

**(51) He really cares for his brother.**

**(52) Which always brings up the thought of incest.**

**(53) Which people are questioning.**

**(54) He has never danced ballet before.**

**(55) He has never ballroom-danced before.**

**(56) He has never been into the girl's toilet.**

**(57) If he has, he's a frickin' pervert.**

**(58) He looks old.**

**(59) Combine the two facts of him being old and a pervert and it makes him a pedophile.**

**(60) A frickin' pedophile.**

"Trucy.. Did you just learn a new word?"

"Yep! Isn't it great Daddy? You were right! I'll learn a lot of things if I hang out with Mr. Edgeworth!"

Edgeworth scoffed. "I would never in a million years say the word 'frickin''."

"But that old lady who stalks you non-stop says it all the time."

"And I'm still wondering why she's not dead yet."

**(61) He's not a contract killer.**

"Hey Pearl, I've been wondering if you are one," said Edgeworth.

Pearl looked up at him with her innocent eyes. "You think I'm a contract killer?" Fake tears brimming in her eyes.

"So are you?" Edgeworth continued, perfectly aware that her tears were fake.

Pearl just smiled.

"I have an annoying old woman I'd like dead. Would you—"

"MR. EDGEWORTH! STOP ENCOURAGING MY COUSIN TO KILL!"

**(62) He's not a princess.**

**(63) He probably doesn't own a dress.**

**(64) He doesn't own a platypus.**

**(65) He doesn't own a dinosaur.**

**(66) He might attract pterodactyls if dinosaurs were still around.**

**(67) He was able to hide a bust under his blanket.**

**(68) So under his blanket would be the perfect place to hide when playing hide-and-seek.**

**(69) So under his blanket would be the perfect place to hide when hiding from contract killers.**

**(70) He has just received a text from Edgeworth.**

**(71) He has just received a text from Edgeworth saying to not let an old woman hide under his blanket.**

**(72) He has just received a text from Edgeworth saying to not let an old woman screaming the name 'Edgeworth! I love you!' hide under his blanket.**

**(73) And to call the cops when she approaches him.**

**(74) And to tell them to bring straightjackets.**

**(75) He got his leg injury from trying to save his brother.**

**(76) He should receive an award for that.**

**(77) He would flinch if he sees Pearl holding a gun at him at level with his head.**

**(78) He knows who Edgeworth is.**

**(79) He knows who Maya is.**

**(80) He knows who I am.**

"Erm.. You just sounded so pathethic you know."

Phoenix replied Maya with a soft I know and sulked in his own little corner.

**(81) He's not a girl.**

**(82) He doesn't look like a girl either.**

**(83) If there was a fire he would die if he stayed in his room or if he dares to go down the stairs at full speed and falls since you can't use elevators during fires.**

**(84) He's probably in love with Money the monkey.**

**(85) Being an older brother, he probably knows all his little brother's deepest darkest secrets.**

**(86) He has never dreamed of becoming a princess.**

**(87) He has never dreamed of becoming a fairy princess.**

**(88) He has never dreamed of becoming America's Next Top Model.**

**(89) He has never dreamed of becoming Prince Charming that could turn birds into princesses.**

**(90) If Pinocchio knew him he would have been able to turn Pinocchio into a real boy with just a kiss.**

**(91) Or, he might turn him into a princess.**

**(92) He would be sued by Pinocchio for turning him into a princess when he specifically asked to be turned into a boy.**

**(93) His hair's standing up.**

**(94) He probably had long hair before.**

**(95) Then he had to cut his hair.**

**(96) He probably had to cut his hair because he was chewing bubblegum while he was sleeping and the bubble gum fell out of his mouth and onto his hair.**

**(97) ****He probably had Jamaican hair.**

**(98) Everyone would be shocked if they find out that he is the tooth fairy.**

**(99) Which brings us to the fact that he isn't the tooth fairy.**

**(100) He isn't Santa either.**

* * *

><p>"You know Pearl, I'm so proud of you. Not once did you mention killing him in this this. My little Pearl is growing up," Gumshoe said, sounding a bit touched.<p>

"That's because he's a he and the last time I checked, Mr. Nick's not gay so I've got no problem with him whatsoever," Pearl said in a sing-song voice.

Trucy nodded, agreeing with Pearl. Like how they always do.

Everyone else shook their heads. And their next victim was a female too..

* * *

><p><strong>AR: DOOONNNNEEE! I kept my promise :D Although.. I didn't include a lot of comments from the characters.. Oh well. Next time then. **

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	4. Adrian Andrews

"We need to know more male people," Phoenix concluded, thinking back to their little episode the day before.

"I know! All these females are making Pearl so sadistic! I'm afraid she's growing even more sadistic then Franziska and I've never even thought that to be possible at all!" complained Maya.

Gumshoe watched the two adults as they had their conversation. "Well, since she grew up in Kurain, then shouldn't that mean that someone in Kurain influenced her to become like this?"

Gumshoe surprised everyone again from the smart thing he said.

There weren't any schools in Kurain, no jails either, so she couldn't have picked it up form her classmates or jailers.

All eyes turned to Maya.

"I do _not_ think of ways to kill other people."

They didn't believe her. With Maya, anything was possible.

"Shouldn't we just start making a list for Adrian Andrews now? I mean, Pearly's not here yet and I want this list to have as little bloodlust-like sentences typed on it."

And so, they began.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) Her name's like a boy's.<strong>

"What? Shelly de Killer mistook her for a boy you know." They had to agree.

**(2) She's good at copying other people's postures and such.**

"Maybe she was an actress before?" Phoenix thought.

"Oh yeah, I can picture it now. Glasses Girl- Heroin of Neo New Tokyo. And then drug dealers would think she was a newbie drug dealer specialising in selling heroin. Nice."

"I didn't need your sarcasm Edgeworth."

**(3) Especially dead people's.**

**(4) She could be a spirit medium.**

**(5) I see potential in her.**

"You're kidding right?" Phoenix asked Maya.

Maya smiled the same innocent smile Pearl usually gives them. "She could be, you know. Either that or she's Celeste coming back from the dead. Sort of like a zombie, but she didn't look undead so that option's ruled out. And besides, she acted like herself, or at least what I think she really is like, after the case was over. Anyways, if she does decide to become a spirit medium, I won't be Pearl's only adult pupil!"

Edgeworth's eyebrow was raised at her. "Are you really the Master of Kurain?"

**(6) She attempted suicide.**

"Ain't that sad?"

"Only a foolishly foolish fool would do such thing!"

"No one asked for your opinion Franziska.."

**(7) She's a foolishly foolish fool for ever trying to attempt suicide.**

"That is _so_ predictable of you to write."

A flurry of whips striking skin could be heard and very 'manly' girly screams followed suit.

**(8) ****Adrian Andrews**** is a woman who generally obtains jobs related to business management**.

**(9) ****She was the manager of actor ****Matt Engarde**** until she ****testified against him**** in his trial for the murder of Engarde's rival ****Juan Corrida****.**

**(10) ****Later, she became the director in charge of the ****Kurain Village****exhibit**** at ****Lordly Tailor**.

"You sooo copy and pasted them from wikia."

"Hey! Not my fault I don't know her that well!" Apollo defended himself.

"You just plagiarized."

Apollo frowned at Maya's comment. "It's plagiarism? I did that for all my homeworks. Oh well, I'm just glad my teacher at that time doesn't know how to use the computer, use a mobile phone and open and close doors. And also that he's dead already."

"You do realise that I can channel his spirit at any time, don't you?"

Apollo begged Maya not to do that.

**(11) She has co-dependency problems.**

"Does that mean that she needs help to do things like eat, blink and breathe?" Trucy asked, appearing out of nowhere.

"Erm, no. Where's Pearl?"

"She's playing with the mermaids over by the oasis."

They all let out a breath they didn't realise they were holding and continued on with their list.

**(12) ****During the ****investigation**** of Corrida's murder, however, Andrews's "co-dependency" problems surfaced again as she quickly developed an unhealthy emotional attachment to prosecutor Franziska von Karma.**

"You plagiarised again."

"I don't care! Like I said! I don't know a lot about her, okay?"

"Wait, does that mean she's a lesbian?" Trucy asked, the innocence in her eyes made everyone uncomfortable.

Everyone err-ed before explaining to her that that was what people all over the world are implying.

"It's hard to ever imagine anyone being in love with Franziska.." she whispered when Franziska turned her back at them.

"Love is blind Trucy, love is blind."

**(13) She wears glasses.**

**(14) Her glasses breaks every time we point out a flaw in her testimony.**

**(15) Then she puts on a new one.**

**(16) She did this seven times throughout the whole trial.**

"Where _did_ she keep all those glasses? She didn't seem to be carrying a bag with her during the trial and don't they scan the people coming to and going from the courtroom? It doesn't make sense." Maya frowned.

**(17) SHE'S A MAGICIAN!**

"That's the only explanation, right?" Trucy asked, all eager to know another magician.

"So, what, she pulls glasses out of magic hats? What's wrong with the magic nowadays.. I prefered it when magicians pulled _bunnies _out of _hats._ Now they pull _glasses _out of _nowhere_ and _everything_ out of _Magic Panties."_

"I thought we agreed to call them Magic Underwear. It's more.. Erm.. Appropriate.." Detective Gumshoe said, scratching the back of his head.

"We did, but then it didn't fit. Magic Panties sounds better," they heard Pearl's voice say. Uh-Oh.

**(18) She's the reason why Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya aren't married yet.**

**(19) She's the reason why Daddy hasn't found me a new mommy yet.**

"They say great minds think alike. So the same thought means it's a great idea. Ergo, you two should GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW!"

"Ergo? Is that a new word Trucy?" Phoenix asked, trying to change the topic.

"I learnt that from Mr. Edgeworth. He's always saying that word when explaining to an old lady why he hates her guts and how he wishes her dead and whenever he describes how he'd kill her in full detail and all."

"I think I made a mistake asking you to hang out with Edgeworth."

**(20) For the whole time the trial was on, she didn't change her clothes.**

**(21) She probably didn't take baths.**

**(22) Or maybe she she just has a lot of clothes that look the same.**

**(23) She looks like a princess.**

"Doesn't mean that she is though, Trucy."

**(24) Doesn't mean that she is though.**

"Hey! I just said that!"

**(25) Detective Gumshoe just said that.**

**(26) He's not useless afterall.**

"Trucy.. You thought I was useless?" pain evident in Gumshoe's voice.

**(27) Which automatically means that Adrian Andrews isn't useless.**

**(28) Up till now, Pearl hasn't said anything about killing her at all.**

**(29) Up till now, Pearl hasn't said anything about killing her at all probably because she's a lesbian.**

**(30) Up till now, Pearl hasn't said anything about killing her at all probably because she's a lesbian and she also knows that my soon-to-be-new mommy isn't a lesbian so they won't be interested in each other.**

**(31) This is Adrian Andrew's lucky day.**

**(32) I take back what I said about her being the cause of Daddy not finding a new mommy.**

**(33) She isn't the cause of Daddy not finding a new mommy.**

**(34) I take back what I said about her being the cause of Mr. Nick not marrying Mystic Maya yet.**

**(35) She isn't the cause of them not being married yet.**

**(36) It's those other women's fault.**

"Err... Thanks like.. more than five things about her regarding Wright and Ms. Fey."

"Yeah, you'll get used to it. At least you've stopped encouraging her to kill now, Mr. Edgeworth."

**(37) She's nice.**

**(38) But she's clumsy.**

**(39) At least she fixed Ami's urn.**

**(40) The right way.**

**(41) Not like two spirit mediums I know.**

"Heeeeyyyy!" Pearl and Maya screamed in unison.

"What? It's true, you foolishly foolish fools."

"But you didn't need to rub it in!"

"I did."

"Why? How could you be that cruel?"

"Because you are foolishly foolish fools."

**(42) She is a foolishly foolish fool.**

**(43) She isn't a foolishly foolish fool.**

"MAKE UP YOUR MIND WOMAN!" Larry screamed, growing a little annoyed at women.

"Love is blind," Phoenix reminded him.

**(44) She's blind.**

"What? It's exactly what you said. Love is blind, and since she's in love doesn't that mean that she's blind too?"

"Childish innocence," they all sighed.

**(45) She almost went to jail once.**

**(46) She's not a princess.**

**(47) We've proven that.**

"How?" Phoenix asked, a little confused.

All he got in reply was two innocent smiles.

**(48) She has been to the toilet at least once in her life.**

"I don't get why you include the toilet in every list, I mean, what's so important about it?" Larry ranted.

"THE TOILET IS IMPORTANT! HAVE YOU SEEN GUMSHOE THE FIRST FEW HOURS WE WERE TRAVELLING? HE ALMOST KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE HE NEEDED TO GO SO BADLY AND CAMELS DON'T HAVE BUILT-IN TOILETS IN THEM!" Pearl shouted.

**(49) She will bleed if you accidentally cut off her finger.**

**(50) She will bleed blood of you accidentally cut off her finger.**

**(51) She will bleed red blood if you accidentally cut off her finger.**

"Accidentally cutting off fingers? Where are you learning this from Pearl?" Phoenix asked.

She smiled innocently.

**(52) She knows who Mickey Mouse is.**

**(53) She knows who Minnie Mouse is.**

**(54) She knows that they're both made for each other.**

**(55) And as of ten seconds ago, she knows that Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya are made for each other too.**

**(56) Unless, of course, I called the wrong number..**

"Trucy.. I didn't give you a phone to misuse.."

**(57) She's always wearing dresses.**

**(58) She's never worn a tux before.**

**(59) She once believed Santa was real.**

**(60) She once believed the tooth fairy was real.**

**(61) She has played with Barbie dolls before.**

**(62) She's blonde.**

**(63) Just like Barbie dolls.**

**(64) Barbie has Ken, so she probably has a Ken in her life too.**

**(65) That Ken is probably Franziska.**

**(66) If not, then it's someone else.**

**(67) She doesn't poo jelly beans.**

**(68) She doesn't pee them either.**

"And in every list you include poo and pee."

"They're important too, you know."

**(69) She's a girl.**

"Must you include their genders in every list?"

"Yes! Genders are also important! We have to include all the important things you know!"

**(70) She has never sniffed another person.**

Everyone just stared at Pearl, confused.

"Dogs sniff each other for familiarity. The last time I met her, she didn't sniff me at all," she explained.

"THAT'S BECAUSE SHE'S NOT A DOG!"

**(71) She's not a dog.**

**(72) She's not a cat either.**

**(73) She's human.**

"Yes, yes she is. In fact, we all are," Franziska said.

Pearl frowned. "Not exactly.. See that mentally challenged man over there?" she said pointing at Larry, "Yeah, I don't want him to be human. He's a disgrace to all humans out there."

Fransizka just smiled. She wasn't the only one to think that.

**(74) She's never been to Antartica.**

**(75) Or Mercury.**

**(76) Or Venus**

**(77) She's been to Earth though. She still is on Earth.**

**(78) Never been to Mars.**

**(79) Or Jupiter.**

**(80) Or Saturn.**

**(81) Or Uranus.**

**(82) Or Neptune.**

**(83) Or Pluto.**

**(84) Or the sun.**

**(85) Or the moon, but no one cares about that, don't they?**

"Look, there's no way ordinary people would be able to travel to other planets unless they become trained astronauts," Phoenix said.

Trucy's eyebrows furrowed. "But that old-lady stalker-person who stalks Mr. Edgeworth is always saying something about her being from Venus and Mr. Edgeworth from Mars and then she makes kissing faces while Mr. Edgeworth tries to hold in his vomit. To no avail, though."

"Poor Edgeworth," everyone sympathized.

**(86) She doesn't know how to use the whip.**

**(87) Yet.**

"I hope she doesn't at all. We do _not _need two people whipping my guts out. I seem to be the victim all the time," Gumshoe sulked.

**(88) She knows some colourful words.**

**(89) She probably doesn't use them.**

**(90) But she **_**does**_** know them.**

**(91) She knows how to turn on a TV.**

**(92) She knows how to turn off a TV.**

**(93) She ties her hair up whenever she goes to work.**

**(94) Wouldn't it be much easier if we just shave them right off?**

"Pearl, I do _not_ allow you to shave people's hair off without their permission. We don't want more people suing you for that... You know I'm not a lawyer anymore, don't you?" Phoenix said.

"But Mr. Apollo Justice over there is. He'll defend me. Besides, it's true. Sane people wouldn't have to tie up non-existant hair."

**(95) She eats.**

**(96) So she's not anorexic.**

**(97) Meaning, she doesn't suffer from anorexia.**

**(98) In simpler terms: she's normal.**

"What, now you guys are crazy about anorexia?" Larry said, a bit fed up for no reason.

"We write whatever comes to mind, thank you."

He received a whipping session from Franziska. He looked as if he was barely alive after ten minutes of non-stop whipping.

Pearl and Trucy screamed at him, calling him zombie and threw sand in his eyes.

It stung and he cried.

Again.

**(99) She does not have Princess Leia hair.**

**(100) She might.. Soon...**

* * *

><p>"You're going to either tie her hair into a Princess Leia like hairdo or shave her bald, aren't you?" Apollo said, growing a little used to Pearl.<p>

Another innocent smile.

"I can't believe you didn't accuse her of being the reason of Mr. Wright and Ms. Fey not being married right now."

"I did. Actually, we did. We just took back what we said. I've actually spoken to her and she seems nice. Besides, Mr. Nick's not her type. We've had that discussion before."

"Pearl, I'm pretty sure no one goes for the 'Hobo' type."

"Love is blind."

"Stop quoting that already! It's been said like, what, three times? Stop it! It's getting old."

"Everyone's saying the words 'the', 'a', 'Pearl', 'don't', 'kill', 'we're', 'begging', 'you' and 'that'. They're not going to stop saying those words anytime soon."

Apollo groaned in frustration. She was going to make a good lawyer...

* * *

><p><strong>AR: Three chapters in three days straight. I broke a record! :D:D Too bad I'm not going into the Guiness Book of World Records for it.. Oh well. Next update? Hopefully this weekend. If not, then the next. Or during holidays when I'm left alone with the computer for five or so hours. One hundred is a LOT of things. Anyways, I've added more frequent comments by the Phoenix Wright gang. Hope you like the new change :D**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	5. Angel Starr

After the little chloroform episode a while back, everyone agreed to drug Pearl before she sleeps so that they would have a few spare moments of non-evilness.

And also to protect Trucy from Pearl's evil influence.

"Trucy, you know how we are all pretty uncomfortable with your Magic Panties right? Eating food coming out of those panties is making me feel even more uncomfortable," Maya said, trying not to puke.

Edgeworth nodded. "But still, we don't really have a choice here. Camels take twelve to fourteen months to reproduce. For our two camels to give birth to cute little camel babies will take a while, so we'd just have to hold on until help comes."

Trucy frowned. She still didn't get why they needed the camels to give birth.

"After the mommy camel gives birth to baby camels and the baby camels can support themselves without their parents, we can eat their parents," Gumshoe explained.

"NOOOO! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO EAT THE MOMMY AND DADDY CAMELS AND LEAVE THE BABY CAMEL ALONE TO FEND FOR ITSELF!" Trucy screamed, "OR ELSE I'LL GET PEARL TO CHANNEL THE SPIRITS OF THE CAMELS TO HAUNT YOU FOR EVER!"

They gave up and sighed. There goes eating something that didn't come out of panties.

"Shouldn't we be getting starrted on the list now?"

**(1) Her name's so ****lame****.**

**(2) 'Angel Starr'. I think she named herself when she was, like, six or something.**

**(3) Her real name's probably something she's embarrassed of.**

**(4) So if we call her by her real name, she's going to squirm.**

"Trucy, you're slowly becoming as evil as Pearl is.. Not that we don't like you guys spending time with each other. It's just that you're becoming so sadistic and all."

Trucy smiled a signature Pearl smile.

**(5) She sells rotten food. **(credit: **ardx**)

**(6) She probably got the ingredients out of garbage bins to save cost.**

**(7) That means she's always smelly.**

"But she didn't smell that bad the last time I saw her," Maya mused.

"Come on, we've only met her a couple of times. Most of what we write is just pure guesswork."

**(8) ****Because she's smelly we can conclude that she hardly ever takes baths.**

"Again with the taking baths thing. Don't you ever get bored?" Larry groaned.

"Hey! At least we didn't mention her gender now!" Pearl snapped at him. She had finally woken up.

Phoenix leaned over to whisper to Detective Gumshoe. "That either means she _doesn't _know her gender or she doesn't want to _accept _her gender."

"Probably the latter," Gumshoe whispered back.

**(9) Her boyfriend's a mannequin.**** (**credit: **ardx)**

**(10) She probably doesn't really have a boyfriend.**

**(11) And the mannequin boyfriend just proves how desperate she is to have a boyfriend.**

**(12) Unless she's trying to get a boy jealous.**

"If I find out that she's trying to get you jealous, Mr. Nick, and if I also find out that you fell for it, you'd better watch what you eat, breathe, smell, taste and hear. Anything ordinary you're doing now could be lethal," Pearl threatened.

Phoenix shivered.

**(13) Or maybe she is a phycho lunatic and her boyfriend really is a mannequin.**

"Isn't that a little mean, Trucy? I thought I raised you better."

"Yeah, you did. But questions need to be answered, Daddy."

"Doesn't mean you could make one up."

"On the contrary, you told me to make up an answer myself to the question of where babies came from."

Phoenix sighed. "I still remember how you used to go around telling your classmates not to eat their booger or else they'd get pregnant.You even said that to old men and women while helping them across the street. Ah, sweet memories."

"And one lady kept shooting me with a toy gun and kept shouting something like 'Unhand me you filthy little thing! Or else my boyfriend Edgey-poo's going to eat you and in fact, I can hear him coming right now. He's running right now, clouded by blind rage. Yes, he is indeed that in love with me.'"

Silence.

**(14) She's nicknamed the 'Cough-up Queen'.**

**(15) She **_**claims**_** that she's called that because she can get anybody to cough up their crime.**

**(16) But we know she 's just saying that to get the lazy Judge's attention so that she could go out with him.**

Pearl received open mouths and starres of disbelief.

**(17) Fine, I know she's just saying that to get the lazy Judge's butt off the chair and go out with that old, old man.**

"Really Pearl? Really? Your imagination.. If I could, I'd confiscate it. It's getting out hand," Gumshoe mumbled.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand," Pearl quoted.

"Einstein, ever since I was a little kid I would always look up to you for being to smart and all but right now, I'm currently hating you for ever having the ability to speak and for being so smart."

**(18) She won't confess her undying love for the Judge anytime soon.**

**(19) They won't be reenacting the Romeo and Juliet's balcony scene anytime soon.**

**(20) They're going to stay alone forever.**

**(21) They're going to stay alone forever in their lonely, lonely lives.**

"The Judge, yes. Angel Starr, don't think so. She's rather attractive, don't you agree Franziska?" Edgeworth commented.

"I think she's a foolishly foolish fool in love with a foolisher foolish fool," she retorted.

"They influenced her too! How could two teenagers have so much influence over adults?" Maya screamed, panicking.

**(22) Franziska thinks she's a foolishly foolish fool.**

**(23) In fact, she **_**is **_**a foolishly foolish fool.**

**(24) Pearl doesn't want to accept her gender.**

"Hey! I do too! Stop making up things that make me look heartless!" Tears formed around the corners of Pearl's eyes.

Maya slapped Phoenix's shoulder hard. Painfully hard.

"What do you mean by 'Pearl doesn't want to accept her gender'?" Trucy asked after watching the battle to the death between Maya and Phoenix but then went to pratice her magic tricks when she noticed how one-sided it was and that no one was answering her question.

She doesn't only have Magic Panties now.

They're called Super Magic Camel Panties after the camels.

**(25) She's a girl.**

"Happy?" Pearl growled.

"No!" Larry screamed, "It's getting boring! You're mentioning each and every one of their genders. Isn't that getting a bit old?"

As always, he was ignored.

**(26) ****She was probably called the Cough-up Queen after her habit of coughing up her nasty food. (**credit: **ardx)**

"That makes sense," the all agreed.

**(27) She probably uses her beret on top of her head as a vomit bag.**

"Um, no, I have to disagree with you there.. I mean, who would want to put a hat filled to the brim with puke and put it on their heads?" Phoenix tried to say through broken teeth and jaws.

"Let's all just ignore Nick over there, 'kay? A dying man needs his rest," Maya said, grinning evilly.

**(28) She has no cooking talent at all.**

**(29) None at all whatsoever.**

"You don't have to repeat that.. It's rather mean. Who knows what she can do to you if she ever reads that, Trucy!" Larry said.

"I don't mind. I have a friend who can channel a dead sumo wrestler at any time to protect me."

"What if the dead sumo becomes self-conscious after dying and starrts to go on a diet and become anorexic. I don't think anorexic sumos can win in fights with an ex-detective."

"Then Pearly would just have to channel another sumo. Simple as that."

Larry groaned in defeat.

**(30) She's a thief!**

"Evidence is everything Pearl, you can't just accuse someone of being a thief!"

**(31) She stole Edgeworth's car. (**credit: **ardx)**

"That still doesn't count. Not a lot of people want to believe in what you say now, you know."

**(32) Edgeworth can testify to her stealing his 'baby'.**

"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?" Apollo screamed at her.

"Because. I don't like you that much."

"You break my heart, Pearl."

Silence.

"Why aren't you dead yet?"

Apollo frowned at how cold Pearl sounded.

"You know, I'd never call my car my 'baby'. Who _does_ that?"

For the first time of his life, Edgeworh was ignored.

**(33) We haven't seen the judge and Angel Starr for a while.**

**(34) They're probably happily married somewhere.**

**(35) With lots of children.**

Everyone besides Pearl and Trucy vomited. It was a creepy thought.

"Pearl, let's all just forget you've ever said that and live happily ever after, okay?"

"No, Mr. Nick! If we do that, you guys won't starrt vomiting anytime soon and if you don't, WHAT ARE THE CAMELS SUPPOSED TO EAT? ARE YOU GOING TO JUST LET THEM STARRVE TO DEATH?"

The adults finally understood why Pearl had written disturbing sentences about Angel Starr.

**(36) They probably trying to break the world record of having the most children.**

**(37) Or probably just trying to copy Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, and have more than the amount of children they have.**

"I didn't know they were competitive."

**(38) Or they think that children are the cheapest and easiest means of slavery.**

"Trucy, ever since you starrted hanging out with Pearl, your imagination has become more and more outrageous."

"I know. Ain't that great?"

Silence

**(41) She will never say that she's a bunny-unicorn hybrid fairy princess.**

**(40) When she finally admits that she's actually a bunny-unicorn hybrid fairy princess, it means her cover is blown.**

"A bunny-unicorn hybrid fairy princess. Uh-huh."

"What? In this world, _anything_ can happen."

**(41) She is being pitied by me.**

**(42) Because she has to pretend that she doesn't like the judge and to treat him like trash.**

"I know how most girls love stories about forbidden love and all like Romeo and Juliet, but seriously, Pearl. Your love scenarios are really, really hard to believe. But great imagination though."

**(43) Then in another few years, their love will be tested.**

"That's sounds so cliché."

"We don't care, right Pearl?" Trucy asked.

Pearl nodded, channeled a sumo and used Larry as a chair. He finally is good for something after all.

**(44) When their love is tested, they might both commit suicide, leaving their children parentless.**

**(45) Then Daddy will adopt them all and I'll have a lot of sisters and brothers.**

"Erm, Trucy, you do know that I can't afford to keep them all right?"

"I don't care. If Pearly's not my sister, I'm gonna need you to get me a sister since you're not gonna get me a mommy."

**(46) She's going to pretend to die.**

**(47) Then her beloved judge will see her dead.**

**(48) Then he would kill himself.**

**(49) Then she's going to become so depressed.**

**(50) Then poison herself with her food.**

"Her cooking is _that_ bad, isn't it?"

"You have no idea. I heard the reason why people were coughing up to their crimes was because of her food and the more they resist telling her the truth, the more of her food the shoves into their mouths."

"Isn't that the same as harassment?" Trucy asked.

"It is, but since we get results from it, they let it slide."

**(51) She doesn't have a moustache.**

**(52) She doesn't have a beard.**

"OF COURSE NOT! SHE'S A GIRL! WHAT GIRL HAS FACIAL HAIR?" Larry screamed.

**(53) Larry thinks she's a girl.**

"I thought we've clarified her gender already," Larry muttered, getting slightly annoyed.

"Just because I say that she's a girl doesn't mean I think she's a girl. I'm still not convinced," Pearl said.

Franziska agreed, "Me neither."

**(54) She has never eaten a live cockroach.**

"_No one_ has ever eaten a live cockroach."

**(55) Yet.**

"You aren't going to force her to eat cockroaches, are you?"

Edgeworth received two innocent smiles.

From experience, he learnt not to trust those evilly innocent smiles and to chain them while they're sleeping at night to prevent any fatalities.

**(56) She is going to be killed by an assassin soon. (**credit: **ardx)**

"Pearl, I thought we cleared up the whole assassin thing the other day."

"I never said that _I_ was the assassin.. I was talking about Trucy. Trucy the Assassin."

"Lalalalalalalalalalalala~!" Trucy sang, "I'm learning the art of assassination from Pearly! This is soooo much better than school, Daddy! I can't believe you force me to go there _every_ day."

Phoenix looked for a wall to bang his head on, but since they were in the middle of a desert, he couldn't find anything that came close to one.

So he just decided to head-butt Winston Payne who had just taken a break from running in his little hamster wheel.

**(57) She is going to be killed by Trucy.**

**(58) She is going to be killed by Trucy and her Magic Panties.**

Trucy coughed.

**(59) She is going to be killed by Trucy and her Super Magic Camel Panties.**

Trucy smiled. "I'm glad you got that right. Now don't forget to include Mr. Hat too. He's important. Like, VIP important. Have I ever told you that he was the president of America once?"

**(60) And Mr. Hat too.**

"Then why haven't we ever heard of him?"

"The people in the Pentagon thought he was an alien and then brain swept everyone for their safety. But Mr. Hat's harmless! I'm not dead yet."

"No comment."

**(61) She's not only in love with the judge.**

**(62) She's in love with Larry too.**

"She is?" Larry screamed, jumping for joy. He starrted running around the sand, flapping his arms in attempt to fly.

"Really?" Phoenix asked, shocked.

"Nope. It's a wonder how that guy finds himself girlfriends. I just said that to make him happy for once," Maya explained, "At least this makes him happy for once in his life."

"You're just giving him fake hope. He's going to make himself look bad while chasing this little illusion."

"Sometimes, it's fun chasing an illusion because you know you can't have it. Him looking his happy proves that his life sucks that badly."

"True."

**(63) She's a part-time pedophile.**

"Gumshoe, I'd rather you not terrorize the kids," Edgeworth said, dusting sand off his butt, "Besides, that description fits Oldbag best."

**(64) She has seen the sun at least once in her life.**

**(65) She has seen the moon at least once in her life.**

"You're making her sound like one of those people who has never stepped foot outside their homes."

**(66) Which proves Gumshoe's pedophile theory.**

"Pearl.. You're.. You're finally siding with me!" Gumshoe grinned.

Everyone else groaned.

**(67) She was five once.**

"So does that mean she dreamed of becoming a sumo once upon a time?" Pearl asked, her eyes shining.

"Um, I think you were the only five year old who wanted to become a sumo wrestler when they grow up," Maya said, remembering Pearl's constant attempts to push her off her bed every morning when she was young to 'practice' for future sumo fights.

"Pity.. I thought that maybe we finally had something in common."

**(68) She hates prosecutors.**

"But she's in looove with the judge," Pearl added.

**(69) She has a camera disguised as a lunch box.**

**(70) She might be a secret spy.**

**(71) Then she probably knows James Bond.**

**(72) And she has a special secret number too.**

**(73) 115 probably. (1)**

**(74) She's never gone BOOM before.**

"Of course no one planted a bomb on her! Who would? She would just give them a glare so deadly that they would just die there."

Silence.

"You know, people say that we should try something new every now and then."

"Pearly, I do _not_ give you permission to blow demonic adults up."

"Awww..." Pearl pouted.

**(75) She has a funny hat.**

**(76) Her necklace looks like a baby octopus.**

**(77) Maybe it is made of a baby octopus.**

Trucy puffed her cheeks. "She's gonna pay. I'm going to avenge the baby octopus' death!"

"Trucy, I didn't know you liked animals that much."

"I don't. I just like the baby ones."

"Uhhh..."

Silence.

**(78) She knows the nursery rhyme Twinkle Twinkle.**

**(79) She has looooong hair.**

"She's the devil incarnate, right? So her hair must do something bad. Maybe it's another secret undercover spy thingy?"

"Maybe it's a lasso! Or a printer! Or maybe even a fan? A car? Ugh. I give up. The possibilities are endless." Pearl frowned and scrunched her brows.

**(80) She doesn't own a whip.**

"That somehow makes me feel better and more important," Franziska said, smiling a bit.

Everyone else just scooted their way away from her.

**(81) She doesn't speak dog.**

"Of course not! Cesar Millan does!"

**(82) She doesn't know the meaning of antidisestablishmentarianism.**

"I think the definition has something to do with churches."

"Shut up, Edgeworth."

**(83) She doesn't have-**

"How do you spell styrofoam?" Gumshoe asked.

"Stop talking you retarded orangutan! Feed our abysmal monkeys! MWHAHAHA!" Trucy screamed.

"Trucy! How could you say that? I didn't raise you this way!"

"I just answered Detective Gumshoe's question!" Trucy exclaimed, a bit sad that her father thought so badly of her.

Phoenix just stared at her dumbfoundedly.

"Stop Talking You Retarded Orangutan; Feed Our Abysmal Monkeys. S-T-Y-R-O-F-O-A-M. Styrofoam"

More dumbstruck faces stared at her.

**(84) She has never won American Idol.**

**(85) She has never won Masterchef.**

**(86) She has never won Junior Masterchef.**

**(87) But if she even joined Junior Masterchef, the people who let her join the competition must be blind.**

**(88) Either really blind.**

**(89) Or blinded by LOVE.**

"Isn't that sweet?" Trucy cooed.

"Maybe that's how she and the judge met."

"Yep, maybe he was the judge in Junior Masterchef, too."

**(90) How she fell for the judge is beyond my imagination and what I want to imagine.**

**(91) Maybe she's actually really old, and uses those anti-aging creams our moms use to look young.**

**(92) Or maybe it had something to do with looking for food inside garbage bins.**

"I didn't know something do dirty and disgusting has that kind of affect on people."

"It doesn't. She really is young. We checked her background info before letting her testify. You know, security stuffs."

"Aw, Detective Gumshow, you just ruined our fun."

**(93) She doesn't know anyone with the name .**

"I don't think anyone knows anyone with that name. Then again, I don't think that name exists."

"Precisely why I don't think she knows anyone like them."

**(94) She has never started a poke war between her friends.**

"Why do you say that?"

"She doesn't look like the type to have frienemies. She just looks like the type that secretly sells all the different kinds of dust to people."

"That's a little mean."

"That's not mean. _This," _Franziska said, whipping Winston Payne when he decided to stop and take a break from his 'voluntary' workout, "is mean."

"Wow, that old man is reaaaaaally fit and serious about his diet plan. Why aren't _you_ serious about your diet plan, Daddy? I mean, you could pass for a manwoman who's five months pregnant."

"Later, Trucy. I promise."

And like most promises adults gave their children, it was going to be broken.

**(95) She doesn't live in a castle.**

"Not like Cinderella. Cinderella's awesome!"

**(96) She's not in love with a beast.**

"Not like Belle. Belle's awesome!"

**(97) She didn't get poisoned.**

"Unfortunately," Edgeworth murmured while Larry said, "Not like Aurora. Aurora's awesome!"

"Stop calling them awesome already!" Edgeworth snapped at him.

**(98) Edgeworth doesn't think she's awesome.**

**(99) Not like me.**

Larry grinned from ear to ear.

**(100) She hasn't met Larry yet.**

"Lucky her," Edgeworth mumbled under his breath, but everyone heard it, except Larry, being the daft person he is.

**A/R: THANK GOD THIS IS DONE. It's been a month, I think? I made it super long to make up for the late update :D**

**I won't be updating for a while. My exams just started today. (Physics and Accounting on the same day. I died yesterday studying for these tests.)**

**More frequent updates start on June 7 **

**(1) The Jews are really smart; in their language, they fit a number to every alphabet, so A is 1, B is 2 and so on, so if you add every letter in the name Angel Starr, you get 115 *FUN FACT* 666 isn't the number of the beast. It's just a name of the emperor Nero. No one's really sure though. People say that it isn't even 666, but 616 (people have been debating about it though..). 616 stands for the emperor Caligula.**

**PLEASE REVIEW! :D**


	6. Apollo Justice

"So you grip the handle of the whip like this, you foolishly foolish fool, and then you raise it above your head like so-"

Phoenix's eyes grew open as he saw the scene in front of him. "Franziska! What the heck are you doing?"

Franziska stopped what she was doing and turned to look at the voice that seemed to be in a coughing fit.

"What the *cough* heck *cough* are you *coughcough* doing?" Phoenix managed to choke out before collapsing onto the sand floor.

Upon seeing his fallen body, Franziska ignored his very existance and turned back again to face the Ace Attorney gang behind her who had already woken up.

"See, foolishly foolish fools? That is what happens when you don't get any excercise. _This,_" she made hand motions above the unmoving body of a spiky haired orangutan, "is what happens when you sleep in and try to disrupt morning exercise. You faint and get turned into an orangutan by magic. So, let's start again from the top. Lift, whip; lift, whip."

After a whole five minutes of that, Franziska gave up.

"You foolishly foolish fools know what? This isn't working. Get into pairs and start whipping each other."

They did as she said while she went to go get a glass of coffee out of Godot's secret stash of coffee cups and beans.

"Now that our morning exercise is over and done with, might I suggest we write about our dear, dear Apollo Justice?" Maya suggested, trying to work on her acting skills. "I love you Apollo. You're the best son a mommy could have! I'm so glad I dubbed myself to be your mommy."

He groaned.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) Apollo Justice is awesome. (<strong>credit: **ardx)**

"Only you think that. I'm pretty sure everyone else thinks that thou art a mad mustachio purple-hued maltworm," Pearl said, quoting Shakespear.

"Pearly, I loved that I sent you to school and all, but you're abusing your education."

**(2) Apollo Justice isn't allowed to write things about himself anymore. (**credit: **ardx)**

**(3) At least, anything positive.**

"Wait, you're saying that I'm only allowed to write negative things about myself? What the heck? That isn't even fair!" Apollo protested, abusing his Chords of Steel.

"Don't you need to go to the potty now?" Pearl asked, changing the topic.

"Well, yeah but—"

"Go now or forever hold your piss."

Apollo chose to hold it in forever.

**(4) A lot of people thinks he's gay.**

"What the heck? No they don't!"

"Well, I did, at first. Then I saw you reading Twilight. At that point, I was absolutely positive about it."

"Hey! I thought you dubbed yourself to be my mommy! You're supposed to be on my side."

"I am just stating the truth, little one. Wow, that sounded kind of wise."

Apollo groaned.

**(5) He secretly loves frolicking in flower gardens in slow motion.**

"How _do _you frolick in slow motion?" was Apollo's sarcastic remark before being shown pictures of him frolicking over a bed of flowers.

"I don't know. You're the one doing it all the time. You tell me."

"I do _not_ frolick. I gallop gracefully like a horse princess," Apollo said dreamily.

Everyone else could only shake their heads.

**(6) His favourite book is Twilight.**

"No it isn't! What you guys have written so far are all nonsense! They don't even make sense!"

"They _do_ make sense. And these are truths about yourself that you haven't come to accept yet."

**(7) We think Apollo should go on a dramatic search to find himself.**

"I think the best place to look for yourself is in a temple with bald monks! Ooh! Shave your head while you're there too! I've always wondered what you'd look like bald," Trucy said.

**(8) During his dramatic search, he has to shave his head.**

**(9) Apollo writes depressing poetry.**

"I do not!"

"Dear Diary, my name is Apollo Justice. This is where I'll write all my depressing poetry. Today's entry will include a depressing stanza on fish."

Silence.

"Pearl, I don't have a diary and my rhyming skills are as good as a two year old's."

**(10) Apollo can't rhyme.**

"Yeah, yeah, now that you know my deep dark secret, can I write about myself again?"

"Nope. Not going to let you write anything in it, you silly rabbit."

"You just said that because it rhymed, didn't you?"

Pearl smiled.

"The least you could do for me is mention something good about my hair."

**(11) Apollo's hair attracts TV signals. (**credit: **ardx)**

**(12) We don't need satellites when he's around.**

"Hey! I said something positive!"

"It _is _positive! To us though. Besides, your hair kinda looks like an antenna. Speaking of which."

**(13) He looks like an ant.**

"What?"

**(14) So he can probably make his hair move at will.**

"That's so cool! You'd make a better pet than Charlie!" Maya exclaimed.

"Charlie?" Apollo asked, confused.

"The plant in the Wright Talent Agency. Isn't he cute? I taught him how to sit and stay. We're still working on the rolling over bit."

**(15) He will **_**never**_** be the next top model.**

"Why would I even _want _to be the next top model?"

"Dear Diary, I really want to be a top model. Here's a depressing paragraph on sad model stuff."

"I've already said that that's not my diary."

**(16) Due to peer pressure, he will let us shave his head off tonight.**

"I will _never_ do that! What's with you and bald people?" Apollo screamed.

"I didn't say that you would _voluntarily_ let us shave your head."

"Oh God."

**(17) ****When he's alone, and on the computer he likes to watch**

"DETECTIVE GUMSHOE!" Apollo abused his Chords of Steel again.

"I was going to type LOLcats, pals... Geez, you and your dirty mind."

Silence.

**(**the credit for this whole number goes to **ardx)**

**(18) He was Barack Obama in his past life.**

"What the heck? HE'S NOT EVEN DEAD YET!"

"When I type about something negative about you, you scream at me; when I type about something nice about you, you still scream at me. Why do you hate me so much?" Trucy cried.

Apollo received death glares from Pearl.

"Don't worry," Pearl said, "He said that he gives us permission to force camel dung down his throat the next time he screams. Isn't he nice?"

Trucy stopped crying, nodded her head and went to fetch camel dung.

Apollo gulped.

**(19) He has no friends.**

"If I did not have friends, then describe my relationship with you guys."

Pearl made a list:

* * *

><p><em>Mr. Nick- Useless apprentice<em>

_Trucy- Her father's useless apprentice_

_Mystic Maya- Her future husband's useless apprentice_

_Detective Gumshoe- His friend's useless apprentice_

_Franziska- Her acquaintance's foolishly foolish excuse for a useless apprentice_

_Mr. Edgeworth- His childhood friend's useless apprentice_

_Larry- His childhood friend's useless apprentice who is as useless as him_

_Pearl- Her slave_

* * *

><p>"Need I go on?" she asked.<p>

"No."

**(20) We have proof that he's gay.**

"You do?"

**(21) ...He stalks Kristoph.** (credit: **ardx)**

"Why the heck would I do that?"

**(22) Because** **Klavier stalks him too. (**credit: **ardx)**

"He's not gay."

**(23) Apollo just defended Klavier. More proof that he's gay.**

"WHAT? I DEFENDED BECAUSE IT'S IN MY NATURE TO DEFEND! I'M A DEFENSE ATTORNEY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

"Didn't I say that you are a _useless _apprentice to the great Phoenix Wright?"

Trucy was slowly pulling camel dung out of her Magic Panties.

Apollo groaned.

**(24) He has a soft spot for blood and gore.**

"I do _not_! I hate seeing blood and gore! It makes me sick and uneasy."

"And you're in this profession again, why?"

"Pearl, you're an evil, evil little girl."

**(25) He is a foolishly foolish fool.**

"You _just _noticed?" Franziska commented after looking at what Gumshoe typed.

Gumshoe whimpered.

"Shouldn't you be whipping Larry or something?"

"He's currently busy right now."

* * *

><p>"I'M A PRETTY BUTTERFLY!" Larry screamed, chasing a butterfly while flapping his arms, "WHY WON'T YOU MARRY ME, PRETTY BUTTERFLY? WE'RE BOTH PRETTY!"<p>

* * *

><p><strong>(26) He just volunteered to be Trucy's next act.<strong>

"I did?"

**(27) He's performing right now.**

"What the heck? I am?"

**(28) He's bald now.**

"Am not! Ha! I can still feel my fair!"

**(29) He has no clue that what he's touching is a wig superglued to his scalp.**

**(30) We pity him.**

**(31) He thinks he is a pretty butterfly.**

"THAT WAS LARRY!"

"Trucy?"

Trucy and Pearl smiled as they grabbed a handful of dung (with gloves) and shoved it slowly down Apollo's throat, making him taste every single bit of it.

Apollo puked and began a coughing fit.

**(32) He secretly loves the Gavinners. (**credit: **ardx)**

"So _that's_ why he's in love with Klavier. He's just another fan boy!"

"Well, you know what they say about Klavier. 'He's the next Justin Bieber but without the hair flip.'"

"We should get him to flip his hair later."

**(33) Aw, look! He's puking.**

**(34) Doesn't just look adorable vomitting his guts out?**

**(35) That's my son puking his head off over there.**

**(36) I'm so proud of him.**

"Maya, you make a scary mother."

**(37) He's broken 30 tables in his career. (**credit: **ardx)**

"He did? I don't think he's that strong. He kind of looks like a sissy to me. No offense to him. It's just my opinion."

"Maybe he broke them while he was sleeping on them? I heard he's homeless."

"I AM NOT A HOBO!"

More dung was shoved down his throat.

**(38) He has never had a special someone.**

"Did too! She was so pretty and nice and smart, perfect, really."

"But the question is, is she real? Or is she just your imaginary friend Lakjufdbagi?"

"Lakjufdbagi is real.."

**(39) He writes depressing poetry about Lakjufdbagi.**

"Why do you keep implying that I write depressing poetry?"

"Dear Diary, today's depressing poetry is about Lakjufdbagi."

**(40) Upon further reading of his depressing poem, Lakjufdbagi is a cockroach.**

"Is that a crime? Gosh, you guys are so racist! Can't a man fall in love with a cockroach? You guys don't know what true love is!"

**(41) We call him Polly.**

"I still don't get why though."

"It's simple, really. Apollo-Pollo-Ollo-Llo-Lo-O-Bomb-Bicycle-Train-Polly."

"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"

More dung was shoved down his throat.

**(42) Apollo doesn't understand simple logic.**

"THAT WAS NOT SIMPLE!"

Now, dung mixed with Edgeworth's collection of Oldbad hair was shoved down Apollo's throat.

"Why did you even have samples of her hair?" Trucy asked Edgeworth.

"Last year, the government had a top secret experiment on their new military dogs that was said to be able to find and kill anyone at all as long as they are able to get a sample of anything belonging to them. The project was an utter fail."

"Mr. Edgeworth looks so sad."

"Let him cry his manly tears, Pearls."

**(43) He's very sarcastic.**

"Wow, that's a trait you've never noticed before until now? Wow. Good for you," Apollo said sarcastically.

"Aw, how nice you are, giving us a useless example. You're the most awesome person out there!" Pearl replied sarcastically back at him.

"Imitation is the best form of flattery, so _thank_ you Pearl."

"Who said I was copying you? House (2) is _so_ much better at sarcasm than you. He uses it all the time and looks cool doing it. You just look useless."

"That's the best compliment anyone has given me. Thanks Pearl."

"You're welcome."

**(44) 'Pollo' means chicken in Spanish and Italian.**

"Why didn't we just call you Pollo? It fits better than Pollo."

"Nah, I prefer Polly. It reminds me of a certain parrot in case Nick and I worked in. Ah, sweet memories. You know what, I have a cracker right here. Polly want a cracker?"

"First you compare me to a chicken, then you compare me to a parrot. Why can't you compare me to something or someone cool? Like a king, for example."

**(45) Polly looks like King Henry VIII.**

"You somehow managed to compare me to a king while making fun of me at the same time."

"Not my fault he's old, ugly and fat. No offense to him, but he's dead, so.."

**(46) He loves glue.**

"Glue? You have got to be kidding me."

"Nope. We saw your little.. intimate moment with the bottle of glue in the office."

"I had no one to dance with at the time!"

"Couldn't you have danced with a broomstick like those people on TV?"

"You'd have thought I was weird."

"I'd have thought you weird no matter what you did."

**(47) He drinks milk everyday.**

"Like I said, you're the best son a mommy could have. At least you listen to what I say. Not like a certain someone over there."

"I thought Pearl listens to everything you say?" Apollo asked, confused.

Maya shook her head. "Not Pearl, Nick. He won't listen to me when I tell him that he looks like a hobo now and that he should shave," she cupped her hands and screamed in Phoenix's direction, "I THINK HE'S GROWING DEAF FROM OLD AGE."

Phoenix winced.

**(48) He wants a cracker.**

"I do _not_ want a cracker."

"That is what he says. What he says and what he feels is different. I know! I think the crackers would taste better if we smear dung all over it. Don't you agree, Polly?"

"No."

**(49) Don't listen to him, he really wants a cracker.**

"Hey! I said that I didn't, okay? Leave me alone, you big bullies!"

"Aw, he called us bullies. This is pure humiliation. I'm loving every second of this."

"How is this humiliating?"

"You're being bullied by two little girls. How is this _not_ humiliating."

**(50) For his birthday, we're going to give him a super special present.**

"That's unexpected. What is it? I free death voucher?"

"Nope something even better."

**(51) We're not going to tell him.**

"Why? Don't I have the right to know?"

**(52) Because you're not worthy.**

"What the heck? I thought you just said that it was for my birthday."

"It is. Do you really want to know? Once you say yes, there are no takebacks."

"Hm, sure."

**(53) We're getting him a girlfriend for his birthday.**

"Sweet! That's so nice of you guys. Let me guess? She's actually a he or wait, not even a human being at all?"

"Don't be such a pessimist. She's a she. We double-checked, if you're wondering. Mr. Edgeworth was nice enough to give you one of his many girlfriends."

"What does she look like?"

"Not telling you."

**(54) Polly's new nickname will Polly-poo.**

"OLDBAG?"

Dung crackers were forced into his mouth.

**(55) He's going to find true love soon.**

"How could you do this to me?"

**(56) They'll get married.**

"NO WAY!"

**(57) And have lot of children.**

"You can't be serious."

**(58) Then become divorced.**

"Something bad will happen after this, right?"

**(59) Just for dramatising their 'forbidden love'.**

"What?"

**(60) Then eloping with their twenty eight children.**

"TWENTY FREAKING EIGHT?"

Apollo tasted the disgusting taste of camel poo.

**(61) Then they're going to live in a big castle.**

"That I don't mind."

**(62) With Oldbag as the mistress and Polly as their slave.**

**(63) But then Pearl would fight for Polly rights.**

**(64) Because Polly is **_**her**_** slave and no one else's.**

"Wow, I'm being fought over by women."

"An old woman and a sadistic teenager bent on killing you. Yeah, that's really nice."

**(65) He cried last night.**

"I did not!"

"Then why were your eyes puffy this morning?"

"I yawned non-stop last night."

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Lying is a sin, you know."

Silence.

**(66) He can walk!**

"I'm so proud of him! He's twenty-something, you know."

Silence.

**(67) He can say 'Mama'.**

"Still proud of him."

**(68) He doesn't call me Mama though.**

"If you do it, I'll give you a cracker."

"I WILL NOT CALL YOU MAMA AND I DO NOT WANT A CRACKER. Geez, don't you know anything about bribery at all?"

"Call me Mama."

"No."

"You're being a bad boy."

"Who cares."

"You're grounded."

"I have no place else to go anyways."

"I'm going to cry."

"Go ahead, but I'll cry first."

"I dare you."

Apollo cried.

**(69) Apollo cried.**

**(70) You know what'll make him feel better? Crackers.**

Apollo cried even louder.

**(71) He's not cute.**

**(72) On the contrary, I think he's pretty cute.**

"Maya, that's because you're his 'mother'. We think he's pretty useless and lame."

"But since I'm his mommy, what I say matters. Besides, he ate my cracker just now."

The gang could only stare. Maya would side with anyone who eats her crackers.

**(73) He smells like tuna.**

"We didn't feed him tuna, now did we?"

"Don't think so.. Unless he has a secret stash of food somewhere and didn't tell us about it."

**(74) Franziska will whip him until he breaks and tells us where it is.**

"That doesn't sound evil enough Pearl, you're losing your touch."

**(75) Franziska will whip him mercilessly, leaving never fading scars behind and the pain and regret of not telling us where he kept his secret stash of food in exchange for his 'beautiful' face.**

"That sounds more dramatic."

"I'm liking you more and more, Franziska. But I still want you to die soon."

**(76) He's too lame to be in the mafia.**

"WHO WANTS TO BE IN THE MAFIA ANYWAYS?"

Unfortunately, the camels became too tired to excrete waste and took a nap. Their excreting organs were slightly damaged.

So Trucy had to settle with putting dung beatles in his mouth.

"Ah, young people. Don't you feel like you just want to turn back time and relive some moments of life?"

"Not all of them. You're the reason I was broke the entire time you were my assistant."

"I was? Oh well, you can't change the past. No use moping about it now."

**(77) He doesn't appreciate the mafia.**

"They're the bad guys. They kill people for a living."

"That's just the stereotypic behaviour of the mafia. Who knows, they actually could be nice people."

"You're defending the mafia?"

"I'm a former ace attorney. What did you expect?"

**(78) He contributes to noise pollution.**

"I do?"

"You and your Chords of Steel every freaking morning."

"Yeah! Me and Lakjufdbagi can't sleep at all because of you."

"Lakjufdbagi can't sleep because of me?" Apollo regretted practicing his Chords of Steel at 4am every freaking morning.

**(79) There will be an epic war soon.**

**(80) A war between Lakjufdbagi and Oldbag** **for Apollo's hand in marriage.**

"I thought men were supposed to fight for the woman's hand, not the other way around."

"We live in this twisted world where the innocent-looking Pearl is a contract killer. Don't judge things by their cover or content. Heck, don't even judge at all to save you from disappointment."

"Wow, you sound so wise, Larry. That's pretty unexpected."

"Well, as you all know already, I'm awesome."

**(81) He's not awesome. Not like me.**

"You mean like you."

"Hey, I _am _ awesome! Peeeeaaaarl," Larry whined, "don't say such bad things about meeee. I know you're jealous, but can't you just hold your jealousy in?"

Pearl sighed. She got up and punched Larry and Apollo on the face.

"Hey, why did I get punched? I didn't do anything wrong!"

"On the contrary, you did. I just received a text from Oldbag. She says that she wants to break up with you because she feels that you're neglecting her and that you didn't love her and yada yada yada. She asked me to punch you for her."

"SINCE WHEN WAS I GOING OUT WITH THAT OLD WOMAN?"

**(82) He doesn't know the answer to this question:**

"I bet I do know the answer."

**(83) Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?**

"Who the heck would want to live in a pineapple under the sea?"

"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!" was the chorused reply from everyone.

"Ha! You didn't answer that question right. I dub you my slave for eternity! Mwhahahahahhahaha."

**(84) He's my new slave.**

**(85) He's my new anorexic slave.**

**(86) He's my new dyslexic slave.**

**(87) He's my new skitzophrenic slave.**

"You just said those words because they sounded cool, didn't you?"

"As much as I hate you, Apollo, you understand me so well. It makes me wonder if you stalk me too."

"I have never stalked anyone before. Besides, why would I want to stalk _you_ of all people."

"Because, you want to know whether I poison your food, or something like that."

"Shoot. How'd you know?"

"Dear Diary, let me tell you about my day in a depressing poem.

_I followed Pearl to school one day, _

_School one day, school one day._

_Little Pearl sat on a wall;_

_Little Pearl had a great fall._

_Little Pearl went out one day_

_Over the hills and far away, _

_Mystic Maya called quack quack quack,_

_And the stupid little Pearl came back._

"Why 'little' Pearl?" Pearl asked.

"I don't know! Geez, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't have a freaking diary?"

**(88) He likes Hello Kitty.**

"I do not!"

"Then why is your diary covered in Hello Kitty stickers?"

"THAT IS NOT MY FREAKING DIARY!"

**(89) He's going through an I-don't-have-a-freaking-diary phase.**

"It's not a phase. Besides, I really _don't_ have a diary!"

"Then could you please explain what I've been reading out to you since the start of this list?"

"I don't know! You forged it or something. All I know is that I don't have a freaking diary!"

**(90) You see? The poor guy's going through a phase.**

Apollo groaned.

**(91) He's a cold-blooded serial killer.**

"What the heck? I've never killed anyone my whole life!"

"Who said you killed people?"

**(92) He's a cold-blooded ant murderer.**

**(93) He's a cold-blooded mosquito murderer.**

Silence.

"EVERYONE HERE IS A COLD-BLOODED INSECT MURDERER!"

Apollo waited for camel dung to be shoved down his throat, but it never came.

They seemed to have forgotton about it.

**(94) He hates Charlie.**

"You hate Charlie? Just so you know, Apollo, Charlie's my son too so that makes him your brother. NOW I COMMAND YOU GUYS TO KISS AND MAKE UP."

"My brother is a plant and you're asking me to kiss it? WHY THE HECK WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?"

"BECAUSE HE'S YOUR BROTHER! YOU GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE EACH OTHER! YOU GUYS EVEN GREW UP WITH EACH OTHER!"

"THE WHOLE TIME I WAS ALIVE I DO NOT REMEMBER CUDDLING A PLANT AT ALL!"

"THAT'S BECAUSE WE WERE HIDING IN THE SHADOWS, WATCHING YOU FROM AFAR! Kinda like stalking you. So now will you kiss and make up with him?"

"No."

**(95) His real sister is Trucy. (**credit: **ardx)**

"Mr. Wright.. Not you too."

"I'm sorry Apollo, but this really is the truth. Maya talking about siblings and all just reminded me of it and how I should break the news to you."

Apollo collapsed.

Pearl looked thoughtful for a moment before telling everyone to wake him up.

**(96) Lamiroir is his real mother.**

Apollo fainted again.

**(97) His real father is Kristoph Gavin.**

Apollo grew wide eyed before fainting again.

**(98) That would make Klavier Gavin his brother.**

**(99) That would also make their love incest.**

"I'm straight! So what you're saying is, they're all my family?"

Apollo was struggling hard to accept that before fainting again.

**(100) Polly is too gullible.**

"I still can't believe he believed all that."

"Well, he is my son after all. I tried my best to protect him from the real world. Do you know hard and expensive it is to hire Barney to become his best friend? Very hard."

"Um, Maya? Everything up to Lamiroir being his mother is true. You can stop pretending to be his mother now."

"But I don't want to. It's really fun teasing him like this. I want to make another list about him."

"No. We have eighty other people to go. Besides, Apollo is boring."

"True."

They all retreated back into their tents and left Apollo out cold in the sandstorm.

* * *

><p><strong>AR: Yeaaahhh.. That took a little longer than planned. I got writer's block halfway through the list.. That's why it took so long. Anyways, if you guys would be kind enough to help donate some ideas to me about the next person (Bat). If you do, I'll credit you (just like how I do to ardx) and updates would be faster~**

**(1) Lakjubdbagi (or something like that) is not a real name. I made it up by banging random fingers on the keyboard. But it does sound kinda foreign, don't you think? XD**

**(2) Gregory House (or just House) is the main character of the TV series 'House'. He makes me laugh so hard. Yeap, I'm promoting my favourite TV show now XD**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	7. Bat

"Look at how helpless my son looks."

"Maya, how many times must I tell you that he's _not_ your son. You guys don't even look alike!" Phoenix shouted, face palming his head.

Phoenix rubbed his temples with his right hand while holding a cup of coffee from Godot's not-so-secret stash of coffee on his left. At first he felt it tough to break the news to Maya that Apollo was not at all related to her, but then the feeling fades away after the first twenty times.

"But still. His mom's not here and as the mature one of the group, I should be the one taking care of him."

Phoenix just stared at her. "Mature, one?"

He chose not to comment. He was going to have a stressful argument with her if he did.

"So, tell me. Who's Bat again?"

Everyone gasped at the mysterious voice that appeared out of nowhere.

"HI MISTER EDGEWORTH!" Edgeworth cringed. He knew that voice. It was Kay Faraday.

"What are you doing here?" Edgeworth asked, amazed at how a teenager could travel all by herself to a deserted desert in the middle of nowhere.

"You know her?" Everyone asked Edgeworth.

Phoenix rubbed the sides of his head. "Edgeworth, I didn't know you were _that_ desperate on having children. You should have just told me! I'd have gladly let you adopt Maya."

"Nick! I'm a grown woman you know! I'm not a kid! I'm mature!"

"Yeah, right."

How Kay arrived there remained a mystery.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) His brother's name's Acro.<strong>

"Oh! So he's Acro's brother... Who's Acro again?" Kay asked. They decided not to waste time and that more brains would mean better, less sadistic lists about people that hopefully don't include death or killing or something relating to Pearl being a contract killer.

Kay was handed the printed list they had made on Acro.

**(2) He can't fly.**

"Of course he can't fly! Stop stating the obvious already," Larry complained, getting a little annoyed at how they don't ever come up with anything new.

"So we basically just make up things about the person?" Kay asked, ignoring Larry. Everyone seemed to be doing that anyways.

"Yep, obvious or not. You just need to make up one hundred things about them. We've already made two so far. So you just need to help us make up another ninety-eight more. Fun, eh?" Trucy explained. Everyone was worried that if they let Pearl explain the rules and the function of the list, bad things were going to happen. Very bad things.

"Ooh! Let me try."

**(3) He wears high heels to work.**

"Like that?"

"That's not really true, but since we don't really know him all that well, let's just assume he does. Good job though," Edgeworth said, praising her.

"Not good enough," Pearl said, "Try something like.. this."

**(4) He's going to be a terrible assassin when he grows up.**

"Try to relate the sentences to assassins or killing. Especially killing," Pearl explained.

Silence.

"Kay, don't listen to her."

"But, Mr. Edgeworth, that sounds like fun!"

**(5) He's a terrible assassin because he wears high heels to work.**

"Great job!" Pearl beamed at Kay proudly.

**(6) He alternates between heels and wedges daily.**

"Pearl, you're a very bad influence on Kay."

"_Now_, you see why I've always wanted to send Pearl into solitary confinement?" Phoenix asked.

Edgeworth muttered a soft yes before letting out a loud groan.

**(7) He's in a coma.**

"Really? Poor guy.." Trucy frowned, feeling pity towards the acrobat.

"Don't worry, Trucy. He's gonna make a lot of friends while he's in the coma," Pearl assured her.

"Yeah, during the coma, people would come and visit him and, who knows, maybe his dead parents weren't really dead and were just in hiding because assassins were after them and to save their children, they needed to donate them to charity," Kay helped Pearl.

"Donate children to charity?" Trucy asked her.

"Well, some people are like Edgeworth. They are really desperate to have children. Like gay couples. They might really want children and maybe Acro and Bat's parents really want to help those people and keep their children safe at the same time and they donate them to charity."

"You're so imaginative Kay!" Pearl said to Kay, beaming at how much her student had grown in a matter of minutes.

Trucy began to smile again while the adults could only stare at the three teenagers.

**(8) He's not bald.**

"But he _could_ be, right? They might have somehow tested him for cancer and then given him chemo and all his hair fell off?"

"Gumshoe, you're becoming just as bad as those girls. Stop hanging out with Pearl, would you? I hate the way she's rubbing off on you and Wright? Get her into solitary confinement as soon as we get back home."

**(9) But he might not be bald.**

Silence.

"Hey, I just want to be heard, pal. Do you know how sad it is for a person to be ignored for ever and ever?" Gumshoe cried.

"I feel your pain," Larry commented. As he did so, he was ignored.

"Don't worry, Larry," he told himself, "One day, you're going to conquer the world and _then _they'll listen to you. You just need to shut up and wait for now. Wait, since they're ignoring me, I might as well, make the best out of it."

**(10) He's still alive.**

"For now. Until Pearl decides to somehow kill him," Phoenix said.

Pearl shook her head. "No, actually.."

**(11) He's not gay and so isn't Nick.**

**(12) So I won't have to kill him.**

"Gosh, Pearl, you sound so scary!" Kay said.

Pearl nodded her head. "I have to, if I don't then Mr. Nick will cheat on Mystic Maya and get married with other women. Or men. We haven't really established the whole I'm-either-gay-or-straight thing. It's hard to tell with him."

"Yep, I see. He looks straight, but there's something about him that just screams gay," Trucy added.

"So basically, Mr. Wright likes Mystic Maya and vice versa but Mr. Wright's still cheating on her? That's so mean! How could you do that, Mr. Wright?" Kay screamed.

Phoenix could only facepalm. Nothing good ever happens when Pearl's around.

**(13) He likes Regina. (**credit: **Diana Lily and Isabella****)**

"There, happy, you little girls? He's perfectly straight. No need to kill anyone," Gumshoe said. He wasn't all too happy on seeing dead bodies.

"Aw, Gummy, you just ruined our fun!" Kay complained, "Oh yeah, I find that Mr. Edgeworth is in need of a love life. He's never told me anything about his love life before. And you've been his buddy for the past few years, right? Tell us all you know about him!"

Gumshoe began a very animated conversation about Edgeworth's phobia of an old annoying woman named Wendy Oldbag.

"Wow, I'm surprised she's not dead yet."

"How so?"

"I mean, knowing Mr. Edgeworth's power and status, he could have easily hired a killer to kill her. And not knowing a contract killer at all would be out of the question because he knows Pearl and Shelly de Killer. That's already two contract killers. Is she really that hard to kill? Or maybe Mr. Edgeworth doesn't want her dead?"

"Then that means that Mr. Edgeworth has feelings for her too! That's so sweet! And after all this time of denying his love for her, he actually does love her! Love defies age!"

"Well, you know what they say, the first stage is denial."

"I thought that that was the first stage of grieving."

"Oh yeah.. Oh well, never mind. It sounds cool and it sort of fits so let's just leave it at that."

**(14) He's not a prince.**

**(15) He's not a princess either.**

"It'd be scary if he was both."

"Like I said before, in this world, anything can happen."

**(16) He doesn't have a leaf fetish.**

"A leaf fetish?" Apollo asked.

"Yeah, he's not all that obsessed with leaves."

"Who in their right mind would be obsessed with leaves?"

"True. I'll try something more normal."

**(17) He doesn't have a fish fetish.**

"You call that normal?"

"Pretty much."

"No wonder you're friends with my little brother," Franziska smirked.

Kay turned to look at her. "You're his older sister? Wow, Mr. Edgeworth, you look so old! No wonder that old lady's got the hots for you. I'm pretty sure you only attract old ladies. Poor, poor old people."

Edgeworth pinched his eyebrows. "She's not my older sister. I'm older than her and we're not related in any way. I do _not_ attract old ladies."

"If you keep saying that you won't get married."

"What makes you think I want to get married?"

"The fact that you want children so badly."

"I do _not _want to have children. You're annoying as is."

"I know you don't mean that, Mr. Edgeworth. You just said that because you're embarassed that we've found you out. You're in love with Wendy Oldbag."

Edgeworth choked on his own saliva. "You have _got_ to be kidding me."

**(18) He likes to see people sneeze. (**credit: **Diana Lily and Isabella)**

"Doesn't that mean he's got a sneeze fetish?"

**(19) He has a sneeze fetish.**

**(20) He's sad that he can't be a prince.**

**(21) He's sad that he can't be a princess.**

"Why's he sad about that? Being a prince or princess sounds like hard work."

"What makes you say that?"

"Arranged marriages. They happen all the time in the royal world. Who knows, if he's a prince he might be married off to some random person he's never met before against his own will."

"Aw, poor Bat. He might get married off to Oldbag and then Edgeworth would become so depressed he'd kill himself."

"Kay. I'm not in love with Wendy Oldbag. Never. Not in a million years."

"That may be what you say, but that's not entirely what you feel."

"What the heck?"

Meanwhile, Pearl was crying happy tears. "Little Kay's all grown up now."

**(22) He's not a mafia boss.**

"Nope. He doesn't even look the part."

"But you'll never know, right? Pearl, you're an assassin, yet you don't look as if you can kill."

"True. But still."

**(23) He will NEVER become a mafia boss.**

"What makes you so sure about that Mr. Gumshoe? We've already given him hypothethical parents that have hypothethically donated him to charity. The hypothethical parents could be mafia bosses, you know."

"I'm going to ignore you Pearl."

**(24) He's not the Easter Bunny either.**

"He's not cute enough to be the Easter Bunny. Bunnies are so cute and adorable that makes you just wanna squish them and choke them and mutilate them to spread the cuteness. I don't get that kind of cute feel with this guy. He only makes me want to kill him."

**(25) He's not Santa Claus too.**

"Santa would laugh his signature 'Ho ho ho' but Bat doesn't say anything at all. Sure, he can't say anything, but he would have at least let his elves put recordings around his room that go 'ho ho ho'."

**(26) But if he really is Santa, then he has lost a LOT of weight and has shaved.**

**(27) His wife must have made him go on a healthy diet that consisted of healthy stuff.**

"You're not going to specify?"

"Well, when I hear the words 'healthy diet' I think about people eating lots of vegetables, but in real life, it's about people eating all kinds of foods. It's basically ruining the image I had for a healthy diet so I'll just leave it at 'healthy stuff'."

**(28) And if he were Santa, then he probably dyed his hair in a lousy attempt to look younger.**

"Lousy attempt?"

"Well, most old people are doing it really, but it honestly doesn't really change the fact that they look old. For example, Mr. Winston Payne, you still look old."

Winston Payne took a break from running to gasp. He had just dyed his hair the morning he left on a search to find himself that didn't go very well as soon as he ran into Pearl.

He cried.

"Pearl, that was mean. Go apologize to him."

"I will never apologize to a woman who looks like Wendy Oldbag."

"You mean man and he doesn't even look a thing like Oldbag. If he did, didn't you think Edgeworth's phobia would act up and then he'd start gasping for air like a retarded fish?"

"True. I'm sorry Mr. Payne, but I meant every word I said."

Winston Payne cried even louded.

**(29) Then that would mean that Regina was Mrs. Claus.**

**(30) If not, then Santa fell in love with another woman.**

"Mr. Nick, I want you to know that cheating is a bad thing. Don't follow Santa's example."

"Pearl, this is a _hypothethical_ situation. Anyways, why are you the one lecturing me? I'm supposed to be lecturing you on why you should not bring up death and killing and anything that involves blood and gore. But you never seem to listen. All your notes seem to have doodles of me and Maya getting married and you with a chainsaw slaughtering every other woman on the planet that you think I'd fall in love with."

"You left out the men. I chainsaw men too in my doodles. You didn't notice those? Pity. They were really good too."

"You don't chainsaw aliens too?"

"I do! But my aliens look a bit like a seal trying to do yoga on a teddy bear riding on a bisexual eight-legged elephant trying to play the violin and wrestle sumos."

Silence.

"_That's_ why I draw stick figures."

**(31) He doesn't care when he steps on ants.**

"HOW COULD HE BE SO INCONSIDERATE? ANTS HAVE FEELINGS TOO!" Pearl screamed. Having lived in a village where almost everyone are spirit mediums, she had learnt from drunk spirit mediums who had channeled the spirits of dead ants that ants are alive too and have their fair share of romance problems.

Silence.

**(32) He sleeps at night.**

"That's all you can think of?" Kay exclaimed. Honestly, you adults can be so boring at times."

**(33) He doesn't share his underwear with Money the monkey.**

"There. That one's much more creative. Good job, Pearl."

Gumshoe leaned to his right to whisper to Phoenix. "I think teenagers these days are more violent and crazier than the teenagers in our days. When I was a teenager, the worst I could ever think about is if I spelt my name right...That's also one of the reasons why Mr. Edgeworth's always cutting my salary.."

Kay frowned.

"Mr. Edgeworth! How can you be so heartless? Don't you see how poor he is? He can't even afford to eat proper food!"

Silence. She had a point.

"It's the same as forcing him to eat worms for breakfast, gorillas for lunch and kangaroos for dinner and I LOVE KOALAS! I wanna be a princess one day when I grow up and marry a koala! We're going to make mutant koala-human-cockroach-catfish babies! I will never forgive you Mr. Edgeworth for doing this to Gummy!"

They could only stare. She lost her point.

**(34) Now that he's in the hospital, he won't get hair cuts at all.**

**(35) By the time he wakes up from his coma, he's gonna have super long hair.**

**(36) Even longer hair than Rapunzel.**

"But it took Rapunzel her whole life to grow her hair. I don't think and don't want Bat to be unconscious that long. It's just sad."

"Well, we don't and won't know what'll happen but maybe, just maybe, his brother would pour hair-growth liquids over his head."

"Why'll his brother do that?"

"I don't know. It can get pretty boring being stuck to a wheelchair for a long time. He's probably just bored or something."

"I feel like giving him both a hug."

"Don't. Acro would go into a frenzy if you ever touch Bat and try to kill you because you're a stranger to them. Besides, he'll think you're some gay bozo."

Larry frowned. He wasn't a gay bozo. "I'm not a gay bozo. I'm just a kind and caring person!"

Edgeworth rolled his eyes.

**(37) He doesn't have a mustache.**

"He might have one by the time he wakes up though."

**(38) But he won't have an EVIL mustache.**

"Since when have mustaches been described as 'evil'?"

"Since the time we realised the judge's beard wasn't."

"So how can you tell whether a mustache is evil or not?"

"Well, we use our instincts. Just like how we use them to survive in the wild."

"You've just lost me."

"You wouldn't have been lost in the first place if you had used your instincts."

"I meant figuratively, not literally."

"I don't care. It makes sense either way. You wouldn't have lost me if your instincts worked in the first place and understood what I said. So ha! You fail in life."

Larry sniffled. Almost everyone he had met had called him a failure in life, but that coming from a sixteen-year-old hurt a lot more for some reason.

Phoenix frowned. "Pearl, you've made Larry cry again. Now go apologize and shake hands or something."

"But if I apologize, I'd be lying. Lying is a sin and I really want to go to heaven."

Phoenix groaned.

**(39) He's like Spongebob.**

"No he isn't."

"Yes he is."

"Tell me, which part of him is yellow, porous and absorbent?"

"His socks?"

"You're a stalker now?"

"No way! I've been a professional and licensed stalker for three years now. It was part of my training to become the Yatagarasu. Besides, socks are somewhat porous and they're absorbent too! And the yellow.. well, paint can solve that problem."

Silence.

**(40) He's like Patrick.**

"Okay, enlighten me. How is he like Patrick? One side of his socks is yellow and the other pink?"

"No way! You're not using your imagination enough. Patrick's brain's dead. And, in a way, Bat's brain is dead too."

Silence.

"Next you're gonna say that he's like Squidward."

"Oh my God! You can tell the future! Tell me, when am I going to die?"

Larry smiled and turned to Pearl, "There! See? I don't fail in life. I can tell the future."

Pearl rolled her eyes. "I still think you fail in life."

**(41) He's like Squidward.**

"Ooh! Let me guess," Larry began, he didn't want Pearl to call him a failure in life again. "Squidward plays the clarinet and that's a form or art and so is acrobatics? Erm, Squidward is a squid, which is an animal and a bat's a human, which is also an animal?"

"Nah, I was going for something along the lines of they both have eyes, a nose and a mouth, but those work better."

Silence.

"Okay, enough with the comparing already. It's becoming weirder and weirder."

Kay shrugged.

**(42) He doesn't have evil minions.**

"Why would he even want to have evil minions?" Gumshoe asked Trucy.

"Because, evil minions are cute."

"Is that it?"

"Pretty much."

"Seriously?"

"What? I like cute things... and Daddy won't get me a doggy. The government won't let us have human pets too.. And I had such high hopes for Polly."

Silence.

**(43) He's not crazy.**

**(44) He won't lick asphalt just to know what it tastes like.**

"I'm pretty sure no sane person would ever do that."

"They would if we force them to. Besides, Kay's the Yatagarasu. She probably has the right to carry dangerous firearms like AK-41s and bazookas."

"I do," Kay said in a sing-song voice.

The adults took a cautious step away from her.

**(45) He might lick asphalt if his boss cuts his paycheck so low he can't even afford a single grain of rice.**

"If he did, he'll feel my pain," Gumshoe said as he plastered a frown across his face.

Pearl patted his back. "Don't worry Gumshoe, you're still a good boy no matter what happens. So here's a lollipop for you."

He took the lollipop.

"And you," Pearl shouted as he turned to face Edgeworth, "You will pay him fifty thousand euros a year to compensate for his unhealthy diet!"

Edgeworth gawked.

"Or else a seemingly true rumour about you getting engaged to Oldbag's gonna hit the Internet!"

Edgeworth slumped in defeat.

**(46) His life stinks.**

"Why?"

**(47) He missed epic Harry Potter movies.**

"Oh yeah.. He did. Poor guy. He doesn't know that Voldemort's stuck inside the body of a bunny, Harry would get married to Hermione and have lots of adorable kids and that Ron would become a hobo and be best friends with Hagrid."

Silence.

"That didn't happen."

"Hey! I can still dream okay? The most depressing part's just that Hermione and Ron are a couple! AND RON'S SO UGLY! HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A SIX-PACK!"

"Larry, I think you're the only guy here concerned about that.."

"I can still dream.."

**(48) He reminds me of Hello Kitty.**

"How so?"

"Every time I think about him, I feel happiness and imagine bubbles floating around me."

"Sadist. Who would feel happy thinking about a guy in a coma who might not even wake up at all?"

Larry was ignored.

**(49) He even looks like him/her too.**

"I think Hello Kitty's a she. The bow on its head makes it so obvious."

"But think about the saying 'nothing is as it seems'. Nothing means nothing. So who knows, Hello Kitty could actually be Hello Doggy. Or maybe Hello Monkey. Hello Larry."

"Hello Kay. Hello Gumshoe."

"Hello Larry. Hello Franziska."

"You foolishly foolish fool!"

Gumshoe got whipped.

**(50) He will say "Ow!" if we punch him the second he wakes up.**

**(51) Or probably go into an even longer coma.**

"You're mean."

"Thank you. You smell and you fail in life."

Larry cried again.

**(52) He is a BELIEBER.**

"WHAT? He wasn't even awake when Justin Bieber made his debut."

"But I asked Acro and whoever visits him to sing the song Baby to him every time they visit to make him familiar with the song."

"Why'd you do that?"

"Because I want him to become a Belieber."

"Why?"

"Because I pity the poor guy. He lost eighty thousand fans just because he got a new hairstyle. Besides, Bat seems like someone who _should _ be a Belieber."

"But you're not a Belieber. Besides, why'd you capitalise the whole word anyways?"

"I'm not because I don't really like his songs. Because I don't really know if I have to capitalise the B or not. So I might as well capitalise the whole thing."

"That's pretty smart."

"I went to school."

Silence.

"So did I."

"But I'm smarter than you. End of story."

Larry cried once again.

**(53) If he resists, then we'll have to force him to become a BELIEBER.**

"How do we do that?"

Kay smiled. "I can be _very_ persuasive when I want to. Everyone seems to be afraid of bombs. You just show them one and then threaten to plant it in their body and they'll be your slaves for life. It's that easy."

The adults' mouths hung open.

**(54) He supports M-preg.**

"Why M-preg?"

"Because this world isn't fair! If women can get pregnant then so should men! It would make so many gay couples happy right? Happy people make a happy world."

She had a point.

**(55) If he doesn't, we'll have to use force again.**

"And if the bomb thing doesn't work on him, there's always the gun trick where I put an apple on his head and shoot that to scare him. But that's sort of wasting apples.. Ooh! Let's just use skulls instead! That way, dead people can still contribute to society!"

Silence.

**(56) He secretly wants a hug.**

"Why would he want a hug?"

"Who wouldn't?"

"Me. I don't want hugs. I DON'T NEED HUGS!" Larry screamed, forgetting just a few minutes ago he was willing to hug Acro and Bat.

Kay was about to point that out before Trucy put her hand on Kay's shoulder. "Leave him alone. He's just going through another phase. These usually last a few hours. His butterfly phase really creeped us out."

**(57) He is a Homo sapien.**

"Biology?"

"Hey, I just thought that maybe we should put the useless stuff we learn at school to good use. I mean, we won't even use them when we grow up, right?"

"True."

**(58) If we burn him, he'll die.**

"What subject's that?"

"Chemistry."

"How?"

"In Chemistry we learn about burning stuff right? Oxidation and stuff."

**(59) e=mc2**

"How is that even related to Bat in any way?"

"Hey! It's hard connecting physics to him, okay? What am I supposed to say? He can get electrocuted?"

Larry narrowed his eyes.

**(60) He knows how to count his fingers.**

**(61) The more ice-cream he wants, the less we'll give him because it'll make him fat.**

"What subject's that?"

"Economics."

"Economics?"

"The demand and supply theory. Demand goes up, supply goes down. Supply goes up, demand goes down. So if he demands ice-cream, the less he's going to get."

**(62) If we buy him as a slave, we will count him as a debit.**

"Accounting?"

"Yep. Credit and debit stuffs. Credits are losses, debits are gains."

**(63) If we buy him as a slave and them use him to pickpocket unsuspecting hobos, we'll be rich and he'll still be considered as a debit.**

Silence.

**(64) There's a slight possibility that he could be the tooth fairy.**

"How so?"

"Well, he's a n acrobat. He does tricks _in the air. _And fairies fly _in the air._"

Silence.

"That's really a longshot.."

"But it somewhat makes sense, right?" Pearl chirped.

**(65) If he is the tooth fairy, then he's the only tooth fairy alive that's not a fairy. Pity.**

**(66) He probably suffered because of that.**

**(67) And attempted suicide soon after.**

**(68) So he's had therapy.**

"I wanna have therapy.." Kay said.

Trucy nodded in agreement. "Ooh! Let's steal his therapy session!"

"Won't the people know we're not Bat?"

"Tell them we had surgery to make us look younger."

**(69) He works with lions.**

**(70) Maybe he was Simba in his past life.**

**(71) Or maybe he's Simba who's turn into a real boy.**

**(72) Or maybe Pinnochio who's turn into a real boy.**

**(73) That would make him a lion-puppet-human-gorilla hybrid.**

"If we present him into society, we might just win a Nobel prize."

"Really?"

"Well, most of us here are below thirty right? I think thirty's the age limit to win Nobel prizes.. Or was it forty? If it's thirty then Mr. Nick won't win anything and he might go into depression and start thinking that he's Hachiko, the famous Japanese dog."

"...I won't get _that_ depressed."

**(74) We're going to give him a choice.**

**(75) He gets to choose to be a Belieber or a KevJieber.**

"KevJieber?"

"Yeah, a spoof of 'Belieber' by KevJumba."

"So his debut song is similar to Baby? Like 'Grandma, Grandma, Grandma, NO! Like Grandma, Grandma, Grandma, NOOOO! I thought you'd always be mine'. Something like that?"

"That could be one of his future songs."

**(76) His favourite song is Barbie Girl by Aqua.**

**(77) Because he feels like a Barbie girl.**

"How does a man feel like a Barbie?"

"When they lose their machoness."

**(78) He plays with Barbies.**

**(79) He got them for Christmas.**

**(80) From Santa.**

"Seriously?"

**(81) That means he gave himself a Christmas present.**

**(82) And not to those poor and dying chimney-less children.**

Trucy sniffled. "That's so mean!"

"That's what you get from a corrupt Santa who takes all the Barbie dolls for himself!"

Larry joined Trucy's sniffles.

"Is that why Santa never visited us, Daddy?"

Phoenix nodded. "Santa's corrupt. Very corrupt."

**(83) He's very patient.**

**(84) Just like old Chinese Kung Fu masters who train hopelessly lame pandas.**

"Really?"

"Yeah, think about it. He's able to stay in the same position day after day, hour after hour and minute after minute without even moving or complaining or feeling cramps at all!"

"Pearl, he's in a coma. He can't move."

"But Daddy said that being in a coma is almost the same thing as being dead and that death is just an excuse for laziness so I'm not allowed to die very early. Daddy would ground me for a very long time if I die."

Silence.

**(85) Being in a coma is almost the same as dying.**

**(86) Death is just an excuse for being lazy.**

**(87) So he is lazy.**

**(88) Very lazy.**

**(89) He was an illegal baby.**

"Trucy, illegal baby?"

"Daddy said that people with bad habits were once illegal babies so we're not supposed to talk about their faults or else they'll go to jail and then kill themselves from depression. Then the governments will go crazy because the world population is decreasing and then let all the bad guys free from prison and then they'll start a murdering spree. I don't want Daddy to die."

Silence.

"Wright, what _have_ you been teaching this girl?"

"Basic stuff about manners and death put into terms she will understand and encourage her to follow."

Silence.

**(90) He's not going through a butterfly phase.**

"HEY! IT WASN'T A PHASE! I REALLY WAS A BUTTERFLY THEN AND I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH THAT BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY RIGHT NOW! I JUST CAN'T FIND HER!"

"I thought butterflies were genderless," Kay commented.

"THEY AREN'T! THEY HAVE DISTINCTIVE FEATURES THAT DIFFERENTIATE EACH GENDER!"

Pearl smiled. "The butterfly you were chasing—was it colourful?"

"OF COURSE IT WAS!"

"Sheesh, stop screaming. The colourful ones are males and the dull ones are females."

Larry frowned. "No wonder it kept running away from me.."

**(91) He doesn't have a super cool buddy like Mr. Hat to play with.**

**(92) He's all alone.**

**(93) And depressed.**

"'Super cool buddy like Mr. Hat', seriously?"

Trucy pouted. "Mr. Hat really is cool.."

**(94) He amazes us.**

**(95) He is somehow able to fart while being unconscious.**

"True that. How_ does_ he do it?"

**(96) I wonder what he's dreaming of.**

**(97) He's probably has the same dream as I do.**

**(98) Great minds think alike so we have great minds.**

"What do you think his dream is?"

**(99) He dreams that one day Mystic Maya and Mr. Nick will get married and have fifty children and then have Mr. Edgeworth and Oldbag living next door with their half-human-half-chicken babies.**

Silence.

**(100) Meaning, Pearl somehow managed to tap into his subconscious mind and made him dream about these things with her ESP.**

"I did not! He did it out of his own free will!"

No one believed her.

* * *

><p>"Wow Kay, you're a natural at this! You are exactly what we need to heighten the imaginations of the adults here. How long will you stay with us?"<p>

"Well, I sorta got lost on the way here. So I'm guessing until help arrives. Do you guys have any food?"

Trucy grinned from ear to ear as she took out her Magic Panties.

"I thought we're calling it Magic Underwear now."

"Gummy! You never told me you knew a magician!"

Apollo was ignored and left alone in his dark corner.

* * *

><p><strong>AR: Yeah, it kinda took a while to update, don't you think? A little over a month.. I'm guessing the next update might take a while too. Oh well. At least I made it long. Nineteen pages on Word. This is probably the longest chapter I've ever made. An achievement! :')**

**And also, by a huge stroke of luck, I've managed to finish this in time for Indonesia's Independence Day. So, this chapter is dedicated to all those warriors who died while fighting for freedom and their families who have been devastated by their deaths. *super cool music playing in the background, preferably Barney's 'I Love You, You Love Me' song***

**And again, the next person I'm going to do is the bellboy, so if you guys are willing to share some ideas with me, I'd really appreciate it! :3**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	8. Bellboy

" So Kay, tell me: did Mr. Edgeworth mention Oldbag at all during the whole time you were his assistant?" Maya asked, her eyes growing wider and wider in excitement.

"Well, he did mention an old woman who stalks him twenty-four-seven and that he hates the flowers she sends him every day and that he is really annoyed by the fact that he almost always chokes to death whenever he drinks any sort of liquid because he is almost always sure to find a wedding ring in there somewhere followed by a wet note saying: MARRY ME EDGEY-POO! I LOVE YOOOUUUUUU! He couldn't be talking about Oldbag now, could he?" Kay replied.

Gumshoe thought for a moment before he shook his head. " No, that could be one of his other old woman stalkers. He's got a lot of them."

Pearl grinned from ear to ear. "That's so sweet! This is really like one of those love stories where the people who were in love didn't care about their age difference at all! I wonder if Mr. Edgeworth and Oldbag will ever get married. I think they really suit each other."

Everyone else just stared at Pearl, wide-eyed in total silence.

"Uhh.. I'd rather Mr. Edgeworth find someone around his age. It'd be too creepy if those two ever get married."

The rest nodded their heads in agreement.

"But, Gummy, this is _love_ we're talking about. Daddy told me with love, nothing else matters."

Edgeworth groaned. Letting Oldbag have her happily ever after seemed like the end of the world to him. He blamed their parents for feeding them too many happily ever after stories. He needed to change the subject. Fast.

"So, what do you think about the Bellboy?"

Pearl pressed her lips into a thin line and snatched the computer away from Larry who was playing with Paint, trying to do an epic drawing of himself. He failed.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) He has no real name.<strong>

"No real name?"

"Yeah, we just call him Bellboy. Not some fancy snobby name. Like FluffyBunnyDroppings. That sounds fancy and snobby enough."

**(2) Let's give him a name.**

"I say we call him FluffyBunnyDroppings."

"That's not cool enough! It needs to be fancy like those piano composer names! What about Fluffannyopinov?"

"Fluffannyopinov? Seriosly, Gummy?"

"It sounds cool.."

**(3) Larry wants to call him .**

"Isn't that a little too long for a name?"

"But it fits him, don't you think?"

"No."

"You're just jealous."

"Of?"

"I don't know. I just know you're jealous of me."

"I'm jealous of your epic hair," Apollo said, rolling his eyes.

"There! You admitted how jealous you are of me! Ha!"

**(4) Trucy wants to call him MagicPantyHatButterfly.**

"Now, _this_ name fits him," Pearl said, nodding.

"Aw come on! fits so much better!"

"But it's such a mouthful and I don't like you."

**(5) Kay wants to call him .**

"You kids have overactive imaginations."

**(6) He's not a Nascar driver. (credit: **Diana Lily and Isabella**)**

"What makes you so sure?"

"Because I don't like him."

"Is that the reason you give every question I ask you?"

Pearl smiled, nodding like some weirdo psychopath.

**(7) He has a phone.**

**(8) That he calls his mommy with.**

**(9) And his daddy.**

**(10) And Santa Claus.**

"Calling Santa Claus with a phone? Seriously? I don't think you can get reception in the North Pole."

"Maybe he just doesn't trust mailmen."

"Gosh, he's so suspicious of everything."

"It doesn't hurt to be suspicious. What if one of the mailman suddenly ate Santa? How would you feel then?"

"Nothing. Santa died already. He died in some sleigh crash a few months ago. It was on BBC. They said it was probably because some of the reindeers were drunk, while others were a little high so they couldn't run properly. So many kids were depressed then."

Kay, Trucy and Pearl cried.

**(11) He is very irritating. (credit: **bak602**)**

**(12) And a nerd who knows what an affidavit or whatever is. (credit: **bak602**)**

"You know what that means?"

"What?"

**(13) He knows how to write an affidavit.**

"So?"

**(14) He has written an affidavit before.**

"I still don't get your point."

**(15) That means he has witnessed at least one other crime.**

**(16) Or murders.**

Larry gasped.

**(17) That means he knows a lot of dead people.**

**(18) So that means he might be some sick and twisted psychokiller.**

"Oh my gosh, we should go report him to Interpol or something. He's dangerous!"

"Yeah, but I'm guessing he's old now, so we probably don't have to worry about him unless something bad and bellboy-ey happened to someone. It could take a while before that happens though."

**(19) He's not Edward Cullen.**

"Seriously? You dare to compare him to my dear Edward? The difference is so far off!"

"Wow Pearl, I didn't know you were such a big fan of Twilight."

Pearl shook her head vigorously. "Nope, I'm just in love with Edward Cullen, like most of the kids my age are. See how normal I am? Heh, and you call me weird."

Silence.

**(20) Neither is he that Jake-werewolf guy.**

"I forgot his full name," Trucy frowned.

"Me too," Kay nodded.

"Meh, that just means he's unimportant. Let's move on."

**(21) He's got a crush on April May.**

"Well, that much is obvious."

"Wait, it gets better."

**(22) Meaning, Pearl won't have to kill him.**

"How is that better?"

"A life is spared. How is that _not_ good?"

Maya shrugged. "But Pearly might kill him later when she thinks he likes Oldbag too."

"What?"

Maya smiled evilly, "I have been known to spread baseless rumours about people back in Kurain these past few years."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"You don't know how boring it is back in Kurain. Hey, Pearly!"

_Shoot. We need another distraction, _Edgeworth thought. He didn't want any more gossip being spread about him. The first one about him and Oldbag was bad enough. After that first rumour, a whole group of old ladies started stalking him. Or at least, tried to. The thing is, it's hard chasing a fit middle-aged man when your dentures fall off every few seconds and you have to spend a few minutes to just reach down and get it.

**(23) He gets distracted easily.**

Edgeworth received raised eyebrows from the Phoenix Wright gang.

"Are you stalking him or something?" Larry asked, trying to push away the nagging feeling that his childhood friend had turned gay without him knowing and that he didn't notice any of the signs.

He should have noticed the scowl Edgeworth gave him when they were getting reacquainted. He should have noticed how disgusted he looked when Larry held out his arm to shake his hand right after picking a booger from his nose. He should have noticed how much Edgeworth vomitted after watching a rerun of Glee when Kurt kissed that other gay guy.

How could he have not realised his friend was gay?

"I'm not gay," Edgeworth scoffed, as if reading his mind, "And I don't stalk him. I use my brain power to infer what he's like based on facts we know about him."

Franziska glared at him. "You did not, you foolishly foolish stalker. There is no way that a foolishly foolish fool like you can ever be smart at all!"

Edgeworth groaned. Then he pretended that he hadn't been interrupted.

**(24) Especially by pretty girls with abnormal hair colours.**

"Aww..You're talking about April May, aren't you? They're so sweet together!" Pearl cooed.

Edgeworth narrowed his eyes at the teenager. "You think every girl and boy who breathes the same air look sweet together."

"Not _every_ girl and boy. I think some boys look sweet together too. I support gay rights. Speaking of which.."

**(25) He will be experimented on to see if he gets distracted by handsome men with abnormal hair colours.**

Silence.

"Seriously?"

"Well, once you think about it, it might have just been the hair that attracted him. Just likes bees-" Here, Pearl was rudely interrupted by Larry's sudden burst of Bee Rights and how they should be respected and how pretty they are and how much better they are compared to butterflies. _Butterflies have grace, but bees make awesome butt-kicking sounds, _Larry kept repeating. Pearl did illegal things to him that are just too painful to even type and then he shut up. "As I was saying, maybe he might get attracted to other people with funny hair. We know a lot of people with abnormal hair colour. Take Dahlia Hawthorne, Maximillion Galactica, or whatever his name is, and such. I don't know why but people are always dying their hair in funny colours."

More silence.

**(26) He can whistle.**

"Who cares?"

"I ran out of ideas, okay?" Gumshoe sulked.

**(27) He might be obsessed with the colour pink.**

**(28) That might be why he found April May attractive.**

"I prefer my abnormal hair colour theory. This doesn't make sense!"

"Your theory didn't make any sense either!"

"True, but mine included more colours than yours, thus making it more important. Ha."

She was ignored.

**(29) He's a manly man who likes the colour pink.**

**(30) He even wears pink. (**credit: **bak602)**

"He does?"

Edgeworth shrugged. "It's probably a fake truth."

**(31) He's still alive. (**credit: **ardx)**

"Here we go again."

**(32) He's not going to be alive soon because an assassin is going to kill him. (**credit: **ardx)**

"What if they're too broke to afford an assassin?"

"I don't know. They'll suffer? Who are 'they' anyways?"

"I don't know. People?" Gumshoe guessed.

"I don't know. Animals?" Kay guessed.

"I don't know. Furniture?" Larry guessed.

Silence.

"Your guesses are becoming more and more ridiculous."

**(33) He gets uncomfortable easily.**

Somewhere in Trucy's innocent brain, a lightbulb lit.

**(34) Let's talk about disturbing stuff around him.**

"Like?"

"Give me a second."

**(35) Like how birds poop.**

"How is _that_ disturbing?"

"It's disturbing enough, okay?" Trucy frowned.

**(36) Or how snakes fart.**

"Still not disturbing enough, Trucy. Try harder. What utterly disgusts you?"

Trucy thought for a moment, before vomitting half her guts out. "I think I've got something."

**(37) Or how Oldbag loves Edgeworth.**

"There you go."

**(38) Or how much Edgeworth loves Oldbag.**

"I do _not_ love Oldbag. I hate her entire existence."

"Do you think we care?" Pearl asked in a sing-song voice.

"Besides," Kay added, "the more you hate someone, the more you love them deep down inside."

**(39) And their whole wedding.**

"Sweet."

**(40) In excrutiating detail.**

"Perfect Trucy! That almost made me puke! You've got talent."

Trucy beamed.

**(41) He blushes when he says 'french kiss'. (**credit: **Diana Lily and Isabella)**

"I wonder why.."

"Maybe he had a traumatic experience involving french kisses?"

"Yeah! Maybe a French dog kidnapped him one time and licked his ear so much its saliva gave him a Wet Willy?"

"Wow. That sounds so depressing. I pity him so much now."

"Yeah! I feel like donating something to him."

"Let's donate all of Edgeworth cravats! He's gonna feel so smart after he tries them all on."

The three teenagers nodded and ransacked Edgeworth's tent for cravats with Edgeworth screaming threats at them after every cravat they touched.

They learned so many inappropriate words from him then.

**(42) He doesn't have a girlfriend.**

**(43) His love life stinks.**

"I thought April May's his girlfriend."

"Nah, he's just got a huge crush on her. He needs to ask her out first before she's finally his girlfriend."

"Why hasn't he asked her out yet then?"

"I don't know. Maybe he still feels insecure about himslef? Or maybe he found someone else."

"But if he did find someone else, it wouldn't be a happy ending!" Trucy pouted.

Kay put her hand on Trucy's shoulders. "Don't worry, maybe he'll realise his love for April May and then leave the other girl and marry her instead. Happily ever after, right?"

Trucy nodded.

**(44) He needs a hug.**

"You think everyone needs a hug."

"I don't care. Hugs are positive." Kay stuck her tongue out at Gumshoe.

**(45) He has a fetish for the colour green. (**credit: **ardx)**

"I thought he liked pink. Maybe he's pretending to like green to seem more macho?"

Phoenix shrugged. He couldn't care less about colours.

**(46) He's not a superhero.**

**(47) He's not a superhero who's half-man, half-bell.**

**(48) But, he can bend paper with his bare hands.**

**(49) And crush an ant with his bare feet.**

"What the heck? Everyone can do that!"

Larry narrowed his eyes. "We don't care. We think it's pretty cool he can do those things."

"We?"

"Yeah, me and everyone else."

"But we think it's lame."

"Shush! Don't say that in front of him! He's gonna win this argument!"

**(50) Actually, Bellboy sounds like a cool superhero name.**

"Glad you agree."

**(51) He doesn't lay eggs.**

**(52) But he could have been a bird before magically turning into a human.**

"How would he have magically turned into a human?" Apollo asked. He had been rather quiet lately so he decided to speak before everyone decides to forget about him.

Pearl and Kay pointed at Trucy, who grinned innocently.

**(53) He might lay eggs if we genetically combine ostrich DNA with his DNA.**

"How will we get ostrich DNA?"

**(54) And we'll get the DNA from ostrich poop.**

"Why ostrich poop?"

"So we won't hurt them, of course! Keep up for once, Polly!"

**(55) He doesn't have a mustache.**

**(56) He doesn't want to grow a mustache.**

**(57) Probably because he doesn't know how cool he'll look like with a mustache.**

"Or because he knows he'll look like an idiot with a mustache."

"Be quiet! Mustaches are cool!"

**(58) Maybe he should get a mustache like Hitler's.**

"Hitler? You mean that Nazi guy with the square mustache below his nose?"

"Yep, it's a pretty cool mustache don't you think? No one really styles their mustache like that anymore.."

"No, it's not cool. It's ridiculous for crying out loud!"

"You don't appreciate the beauty of mustaches."

**(59) Or maybe even one like Shelly de Killer's.**

"Now _that _one is cool!"

**(60) He was under disguise once.**

"I don't think he can. He's not round enough to disguise himself as a burger."

"Not as a burger, Maya."

**(61) He was the proto badger once. (**credit: **bak602)**

"HE WAS? WHEN? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?"

"Yes. That time while we were at the Gatewater Land theme park. We assumed you knew."

"BUT NICK! YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST TOLD ME! I COULD HAVE GOTTEN HIS AUTOGRAPH FOR FREE!"

"...You have to pay for his autographs?"

"I DON'T KNOW! I'M NOT THINKING STRAIGHT! I HAVEN'T EATING A BURGER IN AGES! I'M DYING HERE, NICK! DYING!"

Maya then ran off in hysterics, desperately looking for a burger.

**(62) He owns a hotel. (**credit: **ardx)**

"He does? The last time I saw him he was still a bellboy."

"How long ago was that, Edgeworth? He was probably promoted to becoming the manager while you were off shouting 'Objection!' in courtrooms."

Edgeworth crossed his arms and tapped his fingers. "I do _not_ just shout 'Objection'. I present facts and look cool doing it."

Silence.

"See? You've become so narcissistic over the years. How are you so sure he doesn't own a hotel now?"

"The fact that he is a loser. Case closed."

Meanwhile, Maya's cries of 'Burger! BURGER! IF YOU DON'T STOP PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK RIGHT NOW, I'M GOING TO EAT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP! MWHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!"

**(63) He might have chesthair.**

**(64) He definitely has nose hair.**

"Unless he cuts them off or something."

**(65) He is very, very formal.**

**(66) He must have spoken with 'thou' and 'thy' not too long ago.**

**(67) In a very dramatic way.**

"Just like samurais! Don't you think so, Polly?"

Apollo rubbed his temples. "Trucy. Samurais speak Japanese. They wouldn't have known English even if unicorns flew from the US or UK there. Besides, I think they're from a totally different time period. Are they?"

"Don't know. But what if the unicorns were really good teachers and taught at least one of them?"

"Unicorns don't do that! They're selfish creatures who are scared of us! That's why we don't see them around. Trucy, it's getting old having to keep explaining this to you. Unicorns and humans have a hate-hate relationship, so they don't bother with us, and we don't bother with them."

"But I don't hate them. I love them. Why don't they visit me?"

"Because they hate you."

Trucy sniffled.

**(68) When he was younger, he secretly wanted to become a gorilla.**

**(69) He probably still does.**

"Mister Edgeworth secretly wanted to become a gorilla too when he was younger."

"I do not. Stop spreading baseless gossip about me. The one about that horrid woman was bad enough."

"Awwww. You called her horrid. That so sweet!"

Silence.

"'Horrid' is a negative word."

"I know, but at least you took the time to think of a word to describe her. That means, you thought of her too. It's not just sweet, it's romantic!"

Edgeworth gagged.

**(70) He does not have a badass bike.**

"I don't think he can afford one. We get about the same pay, and even_ I_ can't afford one. Life's so depressing."

The rest all sympathized with Gumshoe, shooting the gagging Edgworth glares that could and would kill.

**(71) He does not have a badass automobile with a fancy name.**

**(72) That speaks to him.**

"He couldn't afford a bike and you're expecting him to get a talking car? Honestly, people! Are you just trying to make me alll depressed?"

**(73) He has never tried to commit suicide by jumping into the sewer to get eaten by the Crocodile Hunter's ghost whoh decided to haunt the sewer by hunting said sewers' crocodile ghosts.**

"I thought the Crocodile Hunter's ghost is up in heaven playing tag with the unicorns.."

"No, that's Michael Jackson's ghost. The Crocodile Hunter was just haunting that sewer to help all those crocodile ghosts find their way up to heaven so that they could all play together."

And Trucy believed every word Apollo said.

**(74) He has wet his bed at least once in his life.**

"Of course he has! When his mommy forgot to put on his diapers for a whole day. Just like what Mr. Edgeworth will do when he and Oldbag get married and have a kid. Sweet, don't you think?"

**(75) He does not have a British accent.**

"Or does he?"

"He doesn't."

**(76) He doesn't have seventy-six potential girlfriends.**

"He doesn't even have one!"

"Not like me! I've got millions of 'em!"

"How ladies find Larry attractive, we will never know.."

"Hey! I heard that! You think it's so easy to be me? I'M ALMOST ALWAYS INVOLVED IN A MURDER!"

Pearl shrugged. "That just means you look suspicious. Maybe women dig the suspicious type."

"Hm.. Suspicious.. I like the sound of that."

**(77) He doesn't have seventy-six potential boyfriends.**

"If he doesn't attract to the female population, you're thinking he attracts the male population?"

**(78) HE IS NOT AS AWESOME AS WINNIE THE POOH.**

"WINNIE THE POOH IS AWESOME! HE'S GOT A BRITISH ACCENT AND EVERYTHING!" APOLLO SHOUTED LIKE THIS!

"STOP USING YOUR 'CHORDS OF STEEL'! YOU'RE IRRITATING EVERYONE HERE!" TRUCY SHOUTED TOO.

"THEN WHY ARE _YOU_ USING _YOUR_ CHORDS OF STEEL?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE USING YOURS AND I THOUGHT IT WAS FUN!"

"IT IS!"

"Justice, Wright. Stop abusing the capital letters. They're going to jump off the keyboard and sue you, and I'm personally going to help them with their case," Edgeworth yelled at them too, but then pitied the capital letters, so he didn't get the whole sentence capitalised. So pretend he's also shouting.

Larry smirked. "You're in trouuuuuublllleeeee..."

**(79) He is not Hannah Montana.**

"He's clearly missing the blonde hair. But he _might_ be her. You'll never know."

"Nah, Hannah Montana is really that brunette Miley girl."

Trucy gasped. "THE BELLBOY HAS BROWN HAIR TOO!"

All three teenagers gasped. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"THE BELLBOY'S HANNAH MONTANA!"

**(80) HE IS HANNAH MONTANA!**

The adults thought it to be less tiring to just let them think what they want, and let their imaginations do the rest.

**(81) He has never been knighted by the queen.**

**(82) He secretly wants to dye his hair purple.**

"Purple?"

"Purple's a nice colour..."

**(83) He secretly wants to dye his hair white.**

"Why?"

**(84) Because he secretly wants to be mistaken for a senior citizen.**

"Whaa..?"

**(85) I don't know. He's weird.**

**(86) He loves butterflies.**

"Would you look at that? He's just like me!" Larry exclaimed, getting teary-eyed, "I feel so touched!"

He was ignored.

**(87) Maybe he wants to be a butterfly when he is older.**

**(88) A butterfly that specializes on the kidnapping of unicorns.**

"Only you want to be a butterfly when you're all old and wrinkly, Larry."

"It's so I can still look young and pretty when I'm old!"

"A butterfly can only live for about two weeks. I can't wait until you turn into a butterfly."

"You broke my heart, Pearl."

**(89) He's obviously a unicorn hater.**

"That's why I want him to die so badly!"

"Trucy, what did I tell you about wanting someone to die very badly?"

"That they might really die and then their relatives or family members would want me to die really badly too, and then I'd meet Jesus in heaven."

"Good."

"But look at Pearly! She thinks of people dying all the time, but she's not dead!"

**(90) He will never get a six pack no matter how hard he tries.**

**(91) He has highlights in his hair.**

**(92) He has teeth.**

**(93) He is not part of the CIA.**

"Of course he isn't! He doesn't have the skills. And he doesn't look cool enough. He needs to be as cool as James Bond!"

"I agree! He's so cool! I love the way he says his name!"

"You fan girls squeal a lot."

"You fan boys don't squeal enough."

**(94) He is not a drug lord.**

**(95) But he looks like one.**

"Um, Pearl? I think it's time for you to go to bed."

"But we still have five more to go!"

"Let us adults take over from here. You've been hogging the computer the whole time so we never really got a turn."

"True. Fine, night Mystic Maya! Night Daddy!"

"Daddy?"

"She calls me Daddy now. I'm very, very scared."

* * *

><p>AN: FROM THIS PART OF THE LIST ONWARDS IS RATED T! SO SKIP THE NEXT FEW NUMBERS, IF YOU'RE UNDER 13! PLEASE! I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE REASON YOU KIDS LOSE YOUR INNOCENCE.

* * *

><p><strong>(96) He is not sexy and he knows it.<strong>

**(97) He wants to make sweet, sweet love to April May. (**credit: **ardx)**

"If Pearl, Kay, or Trucy ever reads these I'm going to be so ashamed and probably kill myself."

"They'd like that."

"Niiiiiccckkk! I don't want to die! Don't be on their side! You're an adult!"

"So are you."

"I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU EVER AGAIN!"

**(98) He wants to touch Pearl. (**credit: **ardx)**

"Ewwww! That's my little cousin we're talking about! DELETEEEEE!"

"NEVERRRR!"

Maya and Larry then started to wrestle each other for the laptop. Maya won.

**(99) He doesn't look like a rapist.**

**(100) But he might be one.**

"Yeah! Never judge a book by its cover, right?"

"If he is, then Nick's going to go beat him up!"

"Wha..? Why me?"

"She already considers you as her dad. You might as well be a man and take on that role, don't you think?"

"I already am a man."

"Riiiigght…"

* * *

><p>"You see that, Kay? Mystic Maya and Mr. Nick really <em>do<em> love each other!"

"I agree! No one has ever looked so in love before!"

From the little opening of their tent, they saw the interactions between Maya and Nick: how they conversed, and how they sumo-wrestled after getting into an argument.

"Ooh! Then I'll get them to adopt you! Then the three of us will be sisters!"

"Great! Then let us help Mr. Wright to propose to her!"

"Great idea, Kay! We start at dawn!"

* * *

><p><strong>AR: After a whole month of waiting, I've updated! I'm really, really happy now~ Lalala~ I'm not going to promise frequent updates, because I don't really know when and if I'll get free time to write.. School is really that stressful. On a brighter note, I haven't grown any white hair yet.**

**I'm starting to hate the layout of this fic, so if you have any ideas to help me change the layouts (should I capitalize all the text in the list, or not, etc.) to make it easier to read, tell me okay? Because this looks sooo much better in Word.  
><strong>

**Also, I may not know who you are, but happy birthday to all you people who were born in October and November.**

***Free hug***

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	9. Ben

Pearl, Trucy and Kay sneaked out of their tents. All three ready to get Phoenix to propose to Maya.

"I still don't get why we even _need_ Larry to help us," Pearl fumed, clearly annoyed.

Trucy bobbed her head to the left, then the right as if in deep thought. "Well, I kinda figured we needed someone to supervise just in case something bad happens, like maybe if Mr. Nick suddenly realised he has a deep, undying love for Iris."

Larry looked confused. "I thought that was a good thing. If Nick's already in love, then you won't have to play matchmaker anymore right?"

"NO!" all three girls screamed.

"If that happens, then we all can't be sisters!" Kay explained.

"I thought you guys already were."

"Not legally. Though we _can _try bribing a judge or someone who could help us become legal sisters..." Pearl trailed off, already thinking up evil plans in her evil mind. "But that won't be much fun. Let's just set that aside as Plan B. I wanna play matchmaker."

The other teenagers nodded in agreement.

"But what about me? What am I supposed to do?"

"Larry, we all know how practically useless you are to our plans. But for some reason neither of us can possible imagine, you've had at least a dozen girlfriends. So maybe we'll just torture information out of you."

Larry's eyes grew wide. "You don't have to torture me! I'll gladly tell you anything you want! I don't want to die! And wasn't I supposed to be 'supervising'?"

The corners of Pearl's lips grew into a frown. "But that won't be much fun."

The three of them started to tie Larry up in a series of knots onto a pole. "Let's see if I remember anything from being a girl scout.. First you make a doughnut," Here Trucy looped her piece of rope. "Then you make another doughnut," Trucy then made another loop with the same rope beside the first loop. "Now you put the second doughnut under the first doughnut." Her right hand slid the second loop under the first loop that was being steadied by her left hand. "Then you find something you want the doughnuts to hug and slide the them onto it." She went towards a pole, dragging Larry along the way, and raised both her hands and slid the looped rope onto the pole. "And finally, you pull." She pulled. (1)

Trucy stepped back to admire her work. "Yay! It works!"

"Good job Trucy! We'd better look for everyone else just in case they've already gotten started on Ben's list."

"You're right, Kay! So we'll just leave Larry alone here in the open? What if a scorpion comes to attack him and eat all his hair off?"

"The the scorpion would magically die. Don't worry. The unicorns here will protect him."

"But I don't see any unicorns."

"They're hiding, you know, being shy and all."

Trucy nodded, accepting Pearl and Kay's logic and followed them to find the others to get started on the list.

"BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE HERE WITH SCORPIONS AND UNICORNS! THE UNICORNS TRIED TO EAT ME REMEMBER? THEY'RE ALL PART OF A SECRET PLOT TO KILL ME! THE SAND'S IN IT TOO! AND HERE I AM BEING SURROUNDED BY SAND ALMOST MAKES ME THINK YOU WANT TO KILL ME. YOU AREN'T GOING TO DO THAT, RIGHT?"

Larry received no answer.

"Right?" he repeated softly to himself.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) He's not Captain America. (<strong>credit: **Franziska Von Karma)**

**(2) Though he's dressed up in clothes that have colours Captain America has. (**credit: **Franziska Von Karma)**

**(3) So maybe he really is Captain America. (**credit: **Franziska Von Karma)**

People gasped.

"But I thought he was Hannah Montanna!"

"No, you foolishly foolish fool! I thought we made it perfectly clear that the foolisly foolish Bellboy was Hannah Montanna. Fool."

"Yeah, Polly! What she said."

**(4) Or maybe Elmo. (**credit: **Franziska Von Karma)**

"I like Elmo."

"Me too."

**(5) He doesn't have a pet hyena.**

"Who would even _want _to keep a hyena as a pet? Didn't you see how evil they were in The Lion King?"

"I don't know, maybe he didn't watch the movie."

"He should. The singing was cute."

**(6) That is actually a vegetarian pikachu. (yes, from Pokémon)**

"I thought pikachus were already vegetarian. I don't remember watching it ever eating meat."

"Maybe it ate them off-camera? Ash never feeds 'em! The poor yellow thing must've starved throughout the whole series! STARVED! That counts as animal cruelty right there!"

**(7) He rarely talks.**

"He's probably shy."

**(8) Or maybe he just doesn't want to.**

"Why?"

**(9) Because he thinks we're not important enough.**

Silence.

**(10) I want to sue!**

"Edgey, you're going to represent me in court!"

"Why? I'm a busy man, you know. And since when have you started calling me Edgey?"

"Since I realised how ingenius Oldbag was for calling you Edgey-poo. It's even making you squirm now. I'm just dropping the 'poo' bit because I think it's inappropriate." Pearl giggled. "I'm having fun."

**(11) He likes to play with dolls.**

"Trilo is a puppet, not a doll."

**(12) He likes to play with puppets.**

"Happy?"

"Very."

**(13) He does not have facial hair.**

**(14) Nor does he probably even want facial hair.**

"I think it's cool, though. Look at Santa. Now look at Hitler. Great people have facial hair."

"But Hitler's the _bad_ guy who wanted to annihilate all Jews."

"He is? I thought he was one of Santa's elves. Oh well. I guess that explains a few things. Then famous people have facial hair."

**(15) He's very shy.**

"But that's what I said not too long ago!"

**(16) He doesn't secretly wish to be part of the Power Puff Girls.**

**(17) Or does he?**

"Maybe he does. The Power Puff Girls have superpowers and everything! It's like, being a younger, female version of Superman minus the muscles."

"He should have just secretly wished to be Superman instead."

**(18) He fails at life. (**credit: **bak602)**

"You always say that about other people."

"But this time I have proof!"

**(19) He has never accomplished anything. (**credit: **bak602)**

**(20) And never will. (**credit: **bak602)**

"See? Proof right there!"

"What if he _did _accomplished something that we've overlooked?"

"Well, we've already ruled out the fact that he isn't Hannah Montanna."

"But there was also the possibility that he was Captain America and Elmo."

"But he's a bunny!"

"How is he a bunny?"

"I don't know. He just is! Stop bullying me!"

"But I wasn't bullying you!"

Trucy started to cry.

**(21) He has funny hair.**

"Yeah, it looks a bit flat now that you mention it."

"Don't worry Polly, we think your hair is funny too! So you don't have to get jealous of his hair."

**(22) He is mature.**

"What makes you say that?"

**(23) Because he doesn't eat glue.**

"So you're saying that because he doesn't eat glue he's mature?"

"Yes, yes I am. Because mature people don't eat glue. It's a proven fact."

**(24) He did not dye his hair.**

"You didn't dye your hair too, Polly."

"You know Pearl, you don't have to mention my hair any and every time there is a mention of hair."

"Polly! How could you just shout at Pearly like that when she's trying to be nice to you! She just doesn't want you to feel left out! Polly, you're a bad boy. Go to your room!"

"But I wasn't shouting at Pearl!"

"Yes you were!"

"I was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

The epic argument between Kay and Apollo continued and was ignored.

**(25) He can run with scissors without getting hurt.**

**(26) And he works in the circus too.**

"Ooh! Remember that one time when we had to go to the circus to—"

"SHUT UP YOU FOOLISHLY FOOLISH FOOL!"

Franziska whipped Gumshoe.

"Hey Trucy, isn't that starting to look like love to you?"

Trucy gasped.

"Are you saying Mr. Gumshoe and Franziska are in love? Yay!"

Phoenix shot Pearl a look.

"I was just saying, Mr. Nick. Anyways, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. The hard way being all your friends being matchmade with the most vile people you have ever met."

Edgeworth spoke for Phoenix. "Do what you want. Gumshoe isn't that much of an asset anyways."

"The 'hard way' also includes you getting married to Oldbag and having fifty kids."

"Wright, as your childhood friend and enemy in court, I suggest you pick the easy way. Please. Our sanity and freedom depends on it."

"Nope. I learnt something from the past seven years of being a hobo. It's best not to care and give in to people saying 'please'. And I strongly suggest you stop trying to give me a puppy-dog look. You're starting to look constipated instead."

Maya tried to change the topic.

**(27) So that means he knows how to do extreme stuff.**

**(28) Like eating a fire ant.**

"How is eating an ant extreme?"

"If the ant suddenly bites your tongue, throat, stomach, intestines and butt during the whole eating process."

**(29) And teaching piranhas how to fly.**

"Why would he want to teach piranhas to fly?"

"I don't know. I'm not him. If I were, I'd be a scientist and make chips that I'll insert into burgers which enables them to locate and come to me. Hey, if that happens, my dreams of being an evil overlord with hamburger minions will come true! Anyone here a scientist willing to teach a spirit medium how to make chips?"

**(30) He scares Phoenix (**credit: **bak602**, now known as **Invader Phoenix****)**

"He does not!"

**(31) He played hopscotch once upon a time. **

"He did?"

"Yes, he did. We even went through time to double-check."

"How?"

"Let's just say that if you jump inside Trucy's Magic Panties anything can happen. Anything."

Phoenix shuddered.

**(32) He has always wanted to park in a no-parking area.**

"Why?"

"I don't know. Maybe he wants to act as a Bad Boy to get Regina's attention or something?"

"How romantic! Daddy, you should park in a no-parking area too!"

"Yeah, Mr. Nick! It's for the sake of Mystic Maya's love! LOVE!"

"But I don't want to go to jail."

"You don't have to! I can channel the security guards' dead puppies or something so that I can mind-control them into letting you free!"

Phoenix sweatdropped.

"Pearls, you're starting to scare us all."

**(33) After he gets a car.**

"He doesn't have a car?"

"Nope. Circus performers don't have cars. They go to work riding their pet bears who ride on unicycles."

Everyone learnt something new and important that day.

**(34) After he gets out of prison.**

"But he's not in jail!"

"How do you know that?"

"TWITTER!"

**(35) Then pretend he did.**

**(36) He went to pretend jail.**

**(37) He pees with the door open.**

"Larry does that too!"

"Um, Trucy. That was something no one needed to know. How do you know that anyways?"

"He told us some stuff while we were trying to feed him to the unicorns."

**(38) He supports animal abuse.**

**(39) He's not going to be killed by two sixteen-year-old assassins. (**credit: **bak602**/**Invader Phoenix)**

"That's right. He's going to be killed by three!"

"Why do you want to kill an innocent man?"

"Au contraire. Don't you see Mr. Nick? He's a man! And he's deeply in love with Mystic Maya!"

"I thought he liked Regina."

"That was to hide his true feelings about Mystic Maya!"

"Right.. I'm going to _pretend_ to believe you."

"Good enough."

**(40) He can climb up and down the stairs without injuring himself.**

"I'm sure everyone can do that."

"Not everyone! Someone just died the other day while going down the stairs."

"And how do you know that?"

"TWITTER! God! I know I'm probably the oldest one here, but you guys are _so square_!"

Getting annoyed, Franziska whipped Winston Payne.

**(41) He lets his anget out through Trilo. (**credit: **Franziska Von Karma)**

"That counts as puppet abuse!"

**(42) Which means he has anger issues. (**credit: **Franziska Von Karma)**

**(43) So he has to go to a counselor. (**credit: **Franziska Von Karma)**

"I thought counselors were expensive."

"Yes. They are." Edgeworth started to twitch.

Gumshoe leaned in towards Pearl's ear. "He used to go to counselors a while back."

"What for?"

"After being stalked and bothered by Oldbag for a few months, he became really paranoid. Even after he filed a restraining order against her."

"Did the restraining order work?"

"For a while. And then Oldbag found a way around that."

"She's relentless, isn't she?"

"Very."

"That's true love for you!"

**(44) Which is actually a bunny rabbit. (**credit: **Franziska Von Karma)**

"And why?"

"Because bunnies are adorable, thus making them positive. This would then lead to a speedy recovery."

"I think Edgey's speaking from experience."

**(45) That could possibly be the easter bunny. (**credit: **Franziska Von Karma)**

"I never knew the easter bunny could get a Phd."

"Anything can happen. Pearls used to be so sweet and innocent. Now all she thinks about is killing people."

**(46) He will not become an angry bird.**

**(47) Nor would he become a green pig thief.**

"Angry birds? Seriously? Isn't that an old game?"

"People still mention pacman every now and then. So why can't I mention angry birds?"

**(48) His heart is a stereo.**

**(49) He only prays you'll never leave him behind.**

"Song lyrics now?"

"Well, his love life _does_ stink."

**(50) He has monkey ears.**

"Really?"

Trucy pulled out a picture of Ben from her Magic Panties and handed it over to Apollo.

"Notice his ears. See how big and monkey-like they look?"

**(51) He liked Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star once upon a time.**

"A lot of kids do, don't they?"

"Yeah! It even inspired Mozart to write a piece based on it. It's so catchy, I can't stop singing it now."

**(52) He likes fans.**

"They make him feel cool," Maya explained.

**(53) ACs even more.**

**(54) He is friends with Money the Monkey.**

"More or less."

**(55) That may be where he got his monkey ears from.**

"It all makes perfect sense now, don't you think Gummy?"

"Not really..."

"Let me explain it to you in detail."

**(56) Money is either his mother, father, grandma, grandpa, or some long lost relative.**

"And/or ancestor."

**(57) And/or ancestor.**

"You can scratch the mother and father bit. I met them a few months back. They're perfectly human."

Pearl gasped.

"Edgey! Why were you meeting his parents? Don't tell me you were trying to get them to kill poor Ben! He _is _Elmo, you know."

"Strangely, his parents are assassins. That's why I went to them."

"You still want to kill Oldbag, don't you?"

"Yes, I do."

**(58) His parents don't know about his relationship with Money.**

"Kinda makes it sound like their going out secretly, doesn't it?"

**(59) He's jealous of Justin Bieber. (**credit: **Invader Phoenix)**

**(60) Just like Larry. (**credit: **Invader Phoenix)**

"Larry is jealous of Justin Bieber?"

"Yeah. I mean come on. Justin Bieber has rapid teenage fangirls for fans. Larry doesn't even have _one_ fan. That reminds me."

**(61) He fails at life. (**credit: **Invader Phoenix)**

**(62) He is not pure evil.**

"Or is he?"

**(63) But he looks suspicious.**

**(64) Maybe he's a bad guy.**

"In training."

**(65) In training.**

"Why in training?"

"Because. Someone who fails so terribly in life needs to _train_ themselves to become bad guys. It doesn't come naturally for them. Not like Voldemort."

**(66) He might even be a mafia boss.**

"In training."

**(67) In training.**

"But not all mafia bosses are bad."

"They are not. But they seem pretty cool. And he needs to train to become a successful boss too."

**(68) Or in disguise!**

"In disguise?"

"Yeah! He might be a mafia boss already who is pretending to be all lame and useless. So that no one will know that he _is_ a mafia boss."

"I thought he was Elmo..."

**(69) But he looks like a princess.**

"Seriously Trucy?"

**(70) He does not own a bee hive.**

"Why would he want to own a bee hive?"

"To get free honey! Polly, pay attention!"

**(71) He's caught up in a pathetic, pathetic love triangle. (**credit: **Invader Phoenix)**

"I think it's more of a love square. Bat likes him too, right?"

"But he's in a coma, so I don't think that counts."

**(72) He has a lot of love problems.**

"I pity him now."

"You don't have to pity him, he's Elmo! Elmo's always happy with his goldfish Dorothy."

Silence.

"Oh Trucy," Apollo groaned.

**(73) His last name is Woodman.**

Kay gasped.

"Pearl! Trucy! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

**(74) Maybe he's Batman's secret sidekick he kept undercover.**

Apollo scratched his head. "But I thought you just said that he was an undercover mafia boss."

"And Elmo," added Trucy.

"And Elmo. So what, he's both a mafia boss and and Batman's sidekick that Batman kept undercover?"

"Yep."

"And Elmo!"

"I thought Robin was Batman's sidekick."

"Polly, how many times must I remind you to pay attention?"

**(75) He secretly wants to replace Robin.**

"He's jealous!"

"Bingo."

**(76) He doesn't have a tail.**

**(77) Maybe that's why he's secretly working with Batman.**

**(78) To create a special elixer that would enable him to grow a tail.**

"Why would he want a tail?"

"I don't know. To be like Elmo?"

"Elmo doesn't have a tail."

"He doesn't?"

"Well, I tried googling pictures of Elmo once, but none of them shows his back. And from the rare sideviews of him, there was nothing where his tail should be. So I'm just assuming."

"Gumshoe. You're a grown man. Why were you googling pictures of Elmo?"

"...I was bored."

**(79) He is not stupid.**

**(80) He does not have big innocent eyes.**

"They look suspicious."

"That's because he is! He's an undercover agent of Batman!"

"And Elmo."

"And he's Elmo too."

**(81) He won't live to be a hundred.**

"Why? Oh! Let me guess. Is it because of global warming?"

"Nope."

"Because of starvation?"

"Keep guessing, Mystic Maya."

"Because he suddenly found out that Regina died because of some accident, then becomes depressed and kills himself?"

"Close. She's not dead yet, is she?"

"Nope, not yet. Uh.. He followed a chicken across the road?"

"No."

"I give up."

**(82) Because his puppet's going to steal his soul. (**credit: **Invader Phoenix)**

"How is that close to suicide?"

"It's not, isn't it?"

"No."

"Oh well."

**(83) He doesn't have a dog.**

"Maybe he's allergic to dogs."

"That's why he has a goldfish!"

**(84) He has a goldfish.**

**(85) Trilo is his best friend.**

"He's rather anti-social, don't you think?"

"No he isn't!"

**(86) Dorothy is his best friend too!**

"Ah yes. We've forgotten about her."

**(87) He doesn't know how to fly a rocket.**

"Well I think he's just too lazy to learn. Look at Mystic Maya! She can fly a rocket!"

"That's because she can channel the spirit of a dead astronaut."

**(88) He will fall if he steps on a banana peel.**

"Like a clown?"

"Like a clown."

"So not only is he a mafia boss in disguise, Batman's sidekick in disguise, Captain America, and Elmo, he's also a clown?"

"Yeah. He works really hard."

**(89) He loves unicorns.**

**(90) There is a 100% chance he will blink any second now.**

"Unless he's dead or something."

**(91) He doesn't own a unicorn.**

"Only fairy princesses do."

"He's not a fairy princess?"

**(92) He's not a fairy princess.**

**(93) And he will never be one.**

"He's too manly to be a princess."

"But you just said that he looked like one a few minutes ago."

"Well, I lied."

**(94) He will never replace Trilo with a sock puppet.**

"Their bond is just too deep."

"But sock puppets are cuddly."

"Men don't care about cuddliness."

"We don't."

**(95) He doesn't have a bicycle.**

"Why would he need one? He rides a bear to work."

"Not only are bears environmentally friendly, they're also fluffy."

"Men don't care about fluffiness either."

**(96) He has seen an elephant up close before.**

"Of course he has! He works at the circus!"

**(97) He knows what colour Spongebob is.**

"Yellow?"

"That's great! You know too! Mr. Hat knows too, you know?"

"You mentioned the word 'too' twice and the word 'know' thrice."

"I know. That makes four."

**(98) He looks like Trilo.**

**(99) Trilo looks like him.**

"I think that was on purpose."

**(100) He leads a sad, sad life.**

* * *

><p>"Wait a minute. Larry's missing."<p>

"He's playing with the scorpions and unicorns right now."

"He is?"

"Yes. It's best not to disturb him. He said he needed alone time."

"I DO NOT! I CAN HEAR YOU!"

Maya cocked her head a little and strained her ears. "I thought I just heard Larry."

"You did. He just asked his favourite unicorn for a good-bye hug."

"A good-bye hug?"

"Apparently, the unicorns needs to go migrate to Alaska."

"Unicorns migrate?"

"Yep. To Alaska."

"Why?"

"They think Santa lives in Alaska."

"Doesn't Santa live in the North Pole? And why do they want to visit Santa?"

"Yeah. And I've tried to tell them that Santa lives in the North Pole, but they won't believe me. Because they think that Santa's been avoiding them the past few hundred years."

"Is he?"

"No! Santa would never do that! What made you even _think_ Santa would do that?"

Trucy cried.

* * *

><p><strong>AR: It took me two months to update.. O.O My only excuse this time is school. Eight more months until the IGCSEs. So you can probably guess how they're trying to jam everything into the next eight months. And what's worse is that some of my friends will be taking the national exams in about two months, so the teachers will be focusing on the national curriculum and giving more homework. Oh joy.**

**The next on the list is Bikini! Anyone out there ready and willing to pitch in some ideas? Please? :)**

**(1) It's a real knot. Something called the Clove Hitch. But put in a way that makes remembering how to tie the knot easy!**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	10. Bikini

"Asking Larry to help us again is a lost cause, isn't it?" Kay thought out loud. She was lying down on the soft desert sand, watching the clouds lazily.

"Yes. I do believe it is."

"But at least he's happy with all the unicorns!" her friend Trucy suddenly said. She too was lying down and watching the clouds.

"Bribing a judge isn't fun at all. What's Plan C? We'll go back to Plan B once we've run out of ideas.. Or alphabets."

Pearl sat up, remembering something important she once read in a book. "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth," she quoted. (1)

"So what is that supposed to mean?" Kay said as she turned to her side to face Pearl.

"It's fancy talk for saying we have to eliminate Iris."

"But she didn't do anything wrong! Why don't we all just have a tea party instead and invite Daddy and Mystic Maya. But it's not actually a tea party, it'll be a wedding!"

"We'll make that Plan D."

"But this plan doesn't involve death!"

"But I thought of my idea first, so to be fair we should go on with my plan first. Besides, I wasn't thinking of killing her."

"Oh right. We have to be fair. So how do we 'eliminate' her?"

"I was thinking we could pretend that the world was going to end and that the only way for her to save it was to change her name, get a new life, and never meet the people she had met in her old life."

"But doesn't she love Daddy? I think Daddy deserves a person who'll love him forever."

"She does. But Mystic Maya loves him too. Quite frankly, I don't even know why. Let's just pretend he's handsome so that this love triangle makes sense."

"Erm, okay. Any other way to 'eliminate' her?"

Pearl looked thoughtful for a few minutes before an evil, evil grin splayed across her face.

"Let's write her a letter, shall we? Why don't we each write one and have a vote on which we like the best, then we'll mail it to her."

Trucy looked at her Magic Panties. "I don't think my Magic Panties can double as a post office or a mailman."

"We'll just send it through an email, capisce? We'd better go now, else they will leave us out of list-making."

* * *

><p><strong>(1) She's not a fairy princess. <strong>(credit: **Diana Lily and Isabella)**

"Trucy. There is no such thing as a fairy princess," Apollo said, sighing.

Trucy looked him right in the eye and said, "That's what the people in horror movies usually say before they die a very painful death that involves mutilation, a lot of blood, and agonizing screams."

"I think you've spent too much time playing with Pearls."

**(2) Her name is very disturbing for someone working in a holy place.**

"I agree."

"It's not _that _disturbing, pal."

**(3) Gumshoe is her type.**

"I take back what I said."

**(4) Her love life stinks.**

**(5) She thinks her name makes her seem younger.**

"Does it?" Apollo asked.

Pearl brushed off specks of sand off her acolyte uniform. "It would be rude to answer that question. If I do, she would go into depression and then turn to a life of sadness, alcohol, drugs and gluttony and maybe even cannibalism. For the sake of a greater good, and being polite, I will never answer that question of yours."

"I'll take that as a no then."

"You've just made her depressed."

**(6) She seems very happy.**

"I read somewhere that if people are overly happy for no reason at all it is usually because they are high," said Trucy.

Pearl punched Apollo. "This is all your fault! You made her depressed! When she dies her spirit will haunt you and eat you."

"I thought spirits can't touch us, much less eat us."

"She's a fat spirit. Fat spirits can do anything they want. It's part of the law in twenty eight different countries."

"Oh, really?"

"Well, it's currently at twenty six, but I'm sure the other two countries will come around. If they don't we get to sue them for discriminating against fat spirits."

"I... See..."

**(7) She keeps dangerous objects at the temple.**

"She could be part of the mafia!"

**(8) She needs to take better care of the Inner Temple or someone could die. (**credit: **Diana Lily and Isabella)**

"I think that's proof enough that she's in the mafia."

"Is that supposed to be good or bad?"

"Well, good for her, since she can protect herself and all, but bad for you because now we know that she has weapons to use against you for making her depressed. I call this karma."

**(9) She likes the colour pink.**

"Don't a lot of girls do?"

"Don't you do?" Maya countered.

"I'm a boy. Boys don't like pink."

"But there's nothing wrong with a man liking the colour pink. Mr. Edgeworth likes the colour pink. And it takes great courage for a man to admit that and wear pink suits to work every day, isn't that right, Mr. Edgeworth?"

"Maya. This isn't pink. It's magenta."

Maya shrugged her shoulders. "Close enough. It looks pink to me no matter what you say, Edgeworth."

**(10) She doesn't wear a man skirt.**

"She's a woman! She doesn't have to!"

"You know, Polly, you've been awfully talkative the past few minutes. Are you on drugs?"

"NO!"

Pearl patted Apollo's shoulders. "He's still in denial. I think we should leave him alone and let him tell us his problems when he's ready."

"But I don't have any problems! And I'm not on drugs!"

**(11) She has a bad back.**

**(12) She's old.**

"I really am not on drugs."

"Okay. We'll pretend to belive you now."

**(13) She is not a smurf.**

**(14) Or an avatar.**

"Her skin isn't even blue."

"Or is it?"

"Is it?"

"Nope. She's a normal human being."

**(15) She is not one of Santa's elves.**

**(16) Or reindeers.**

"How are you so sure? What if she is? She could be both!"

"She's part of the mafia. I don't think the mafia would let her join them if she is one of Santa's elves or reindeers because they'd be scared that she would report to Santa that they've been bad that year and then receive coal for Christmas. They won't take that risk."

**(17) She does not suffer from Oldbag-phobia.**

"It's now an official phobia. She apparently stalks a lot of people. So you don't have to be ashamed of your phobia. I've heard that somewhere on this earth, there are people who are scared of ducks."

"That's right, Mr. Edgeworth! Be proud of your fear of Oldbag! Like how proud you are of liking the colour pink."

"Once again, it's not pink. It's magenta."

**(18) She does not speak with an accent.**

"I wish she did though. Wouldn't it be cool if she spoke with a British-Spanish-Singaporean-Koala-Irish-American-Butterfly-Marsian-Indian-Jamaican fusion accent? I wonder what that sounds like."

**(19) She likes children.**

**(20) And does not eat them.**

Phoenix and Maya looked indifferent.

"I just hinted that you can leave your future children with her if you ever need someone to babysit."

"We're ignoring your hints and are pretending that you were just talking about strangling the monsters under your bed and then feeding them to the pandas in the zoo."

**(21) She's so round she could be used as any ball in any game. (**credit: **Awesomesnake12)**

"Ouch. I think she's going to die sooner than we think. When that happens, Polly will be so sacred he's going to cry."

"I'm not going to cry."

"We're going to pretend to believe you again."

**(22) She can fly.**

**(23) If a unicorn volunteers to help her fly.**

"I thought all the unicorns are in Alaska right now. I don't think she's in Alaska with them right now."

**(24) Or if she really is Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.**

"I thought you said that she couldn't possibly be a reindeer."

"Shut up! I'm running out of answers that actually do make sense."

"Unicorns and reindeers?"

"I did say shut up, didn't I? Trucy will throw you into a pit of boiling lava that, very conveniently, poofed up inside her Magic Panties."

"I tested the heat! It's perfect! We can now have a barbecue right here!"

And Trucy was ignored.

"You know what? I've just thought of something big, pal! Something so brilliant it's going to knock your socks off!"

"What is it, Gumshoe?"

**(25) Bikini isn't her real name. (**credit: **Invader Phoenix)**

Crickets from inside Trucy's Magic Panties chirped.

"And people wonder why I shout at your stupidity often."

"What? Are you guys shocked at how smart I am?" Gumshoe chuckled.

The others made no comment.

**(26) She does not own and train elephants as a side-job.**

"She doesn't?"

**(27) Nor does she work at KFC.**

"Why KFC?"

"McDonalds is too mainstream."

**(28) She does not dream of fluffy monkeys.**

"But they're so fluffy!"

**(29) She wants to be friends with Money the Monkey.**

"That's nice. Maybe later Money will help her career as an elephant trainer!"

"How?"

"Money works at a circus right? So maybe the whole circus loves Money so much that all the animals run away to join Money's adventures as Bikini's personal assistant."

"Now that you mention it, I need an assistant for my new magic act. Ooh! You! The old man running in a hamster wheel over there supplying all our electricity needs! Would you like to be my assistant?"

Tears of joy welled up around Winston Payne's eyes. "I would be honoured!"

"Great! Now here's a list of the things you have to say, the clothes you have to wear, a list of catchphrases you need to memorize, a schedule on when to breathe and blink and talk and use the bathroom, and don't forget Trucy Day!"

Winston Payne gulped. "Uh.. Trucy Day?"

"It's days Daddy made up that centres around me and my needs. Expect me to be really bossy and naggy on Trucy Days. It usually lasts up to a week every month."

**(30) She is a very friendly person.**

**(31) She is not Elmo.**

"I think we can conclude that no one is Elmo."

"So Elmo's a ghost?"

"He's a muppet!"

"No, he's not."

"Why isn't he?"

"I don't know?"

**(32) No one knows what her hair colour is.**

**(33) Or if she really does have hair.**

"I think it's pink."

"She's a nun! No way she'd dye her hair! I think it's black. Or brown. Or blue. Or orange. Or green."

"And those are normal hair colours?"

"They might be if people were exposed to radioactive things. Take a look at the Hulk. He's got green skin. Why on earth can't other people who are exposed to radiation have different coloured hair. I mean, look at Franziska."

"I heard that. My hair colour is natural."

Maya whispered in Gumshoe's ear. "I think she was a lab rat when she was a baby. Do you think we can make her turn into a blue-haired she-hulk if we make her angry enough?"

"Great idea, pal, but I value my life. Go see if Pearl and Trucy are willing to do it."

Maya grinned. "I'll try asking them later. Wanna come watch?"

"Just so you know. We weren't talking about this, and you didn't invite me to watch."

Maya nodded. "I don't know what you're talking about, Detective."

**(34) She could be bald.**

"Of course! A lot of nuns are bald aren't they?"

**(35) She is secretly Princess Leia. (**credit: **Nomsworth)**

"But Princess Leia is a princess! You just said before that she wasn't a fairy princess."

"Princess Leia is not a fairy princess."

"Oh."

**(36) She's not married. (**credit: **Diana Lily and Isabella)**

"Why is it that almost every adult we've written lists about have such sad love lifes?"

**(37) She needs to get a boyfriend.**

"But who?"

"I remember her having a 'thing' for Detective Gumshoe."

Everyone turned to look at the said detective.

"But I've got Maggie."

"Gumshoe, this is for the greater good."

"I'm going to die of guilt."

"Try moving to Africa. I hear polygamy is legal there."

"POLYGAMY? WHY WOULD I DO THAT?"

"For a win-win situation."

"Why not getting Mr. Edgeworth to be her boyfriend? She would scare Oldbag away anyway."

"One, she could die. Two, she might get Oldbag-phobia. Three—

**(38) She is not in love with Edgeworth." (**credit: **Diana Lily and Isabella)**

"But I thought nuns aren't allowed to marry."

"Oh yeah.."

And with that, Gumshoe was saved.

**(39) She could be an Evil Overlord disguised as a 'harmless' woman-monk trying to take over the world by annihilating the world's burger-eating champion.**

"Maya. No one wants to kill you because of your self-dubbed title. If they do it's probably to take over as Kurain Master."

"It's not a self-dubbed title! I won that title fair and square in a burger eating contest with Chuck Norris."

"You met Chuck Norris?" Pearl gasped.

"Aw come on! You didn't believe me when I said that I wasn't on drugs, yet you believe her when she says she she met Chuck Norris?"

"That's not true! We _pretended_ to believe you."

Apollo sighed.

**(40) Or she could be a fairy princess seeking shelter from an Evil Overlord who is trying to get the locations of burger-eating champions around the world to kill them to take over the world.**

"But you said she wasn't a fairy princess!"

"And this doesn't seem very likely."

"Hey! It could happen! You'll never know, right?"

**(41) She wants a hug.**

"Everyone wants a hug."

"Not everyone. I don't think sharks appreciate it if you hug them. And I'm pretty sure plants don't really care about that either."

**(42) She laughs like Santa Claus.**

"Really?"

"Yeah, Nick! Didn't you noticed how she goes 'ho ho ho' when she laughs?"

"Now that you mention it.."

**(43) She can be rather cranky.**

"She's old. What did you expect?"

"But old people in Chinese movies seem very patient and wise."

"Movies aren't real. I mean, did you really think that Easter bunnies poop jelly beans? No."

"They could."

**(44) She has mood swings.**

**(45) She could be schizophrenic.**

"Well, that explains a lot of things."

**(46) She is a spirit medium. **(credit: **Invader Phoenix)**

**(47) Which means she knows dead people. (**credit: **Invader Phoenix)**

**(48) Including Steve Jobs. (**credit: **Invader Phoenix)**

"You should better watch out, Polly. Now she has friends who can kill you."

"But I thought Steve Jobs was a skinny old man. How is he supposed to beat me up?"

"He has his ways. Maybe, when you die, you get superpowers. Besides, doesn't he remind you of someone?"

Everyone turned to look at Winston Payne.

"Could it be?"

"Nah...Could it?"

Poof. A new mystery has arisen. Dun dun dun.

**(49) She is very vain.**

"Did you _see_ the thick layer of makeup she had on when they took a picture of her and Iris for a magazine? She looked like a diseased panda."

"Diseased pandas do not look like her!"

"Have you ever seen a diseased panda?"

"Yes. For my magic act when I was ten. I called him Fluffy."

"And why did you a diseased panda for your magic act?"

"I was working part-time for WWF at that time. Basically, I made a koala change into a diseased panda that attacked the audience and scarred their minds enough for them to donate to charity. It was for a good cause."

**(50) She can hold grudges.**

"She'll even try to kill you when you're dead, Polly. I suggest you become my slave right now. I promise to protect you no matter what she does."

"And I can trust that you're not lying right now?"

Pearl gasped. "Polly! How had it ever crossed your mind that I would lie to you? I'm a spirit medium! You should know better."

"That's the same as saying you can't watch TV because you're a murderer."

"But you _can't _watch TV if you're a murderer!"

"That doesn't even make sense!"

"It doesn't have to!"

**(51) She needs to have friends her own age.**

"But what if she can't?"

"Then she'll have to find friends who are either younger or older than her."

"And how do you think she'll do that?"

**(52) She needs plastic surgery.**

"Really? Come on. People are always saying that we should be proud of how we already look like. That we're already beautiful and stuff like that."

"Yeah. But girls are always insecure. Never mind. They provide job opportunities for plastic surgeons."

**(53) She also needs to go to see the doctor about her back.**

"It's always bothering her, isn't it?"

**(54) Maybe she'll meet someone there.**

Kay gasped.

**(55) Maybe she'll meet her long lost half brother who works at the clinic there.**

**(56) Maybe she is related to Dr. Hotti.**

**(57) She does not look like her long lost half brother.**

"I think she should consider that a blessing."

**(58) Her boobs are inflatable. (**credit: **Nomsworth)**

**(59) So is her whole body. (**credit: **Nomsworth)**

"Maybe she _is_ a balloon!"

"A balloon that doesn't float. I'm starting to think that she's got a tough life."

**(60) She is the head nun of Hazakura temple.**

"Not a surprise since only two people live in it. One of them being in jail right now, too. I pity her."

"Maybe we should start an orphanage in her name."

"We should. But Bikini Orphanage sounds a bit misleading."

"Bikini Orphanage: Home to All Lost Bikinis Looking for a Home. I think that makes a good slogan."

**(61) When she laughs her cheeks jiggle.**

"I don't know why, but now I want to see someone's cheek jiggle. Detective Gumshoe, can we borrow your cheeks?"

"Er.. I don't think so, pal. My cheeks don't jiggle when I laugh."

"That's okay, we'll just slap them until they do."

They spared no mercy on Gumshoe.

**(62) She does not offer her guests free cookies.**

"And I think that's just downright rude!" Maya puffed her cheeks. "If she couldn't offer us free cookies, she could at least have offered us free burgers. I mean burgers, Nick! Burgers!"

**(63) She talks to strangers.**

**(64) She will get kidnapped.**

"That's pretty much a given. But why the kidnappers would kidnap her, we'll never know."

"Maybe they're going to use her as a hostage?"

"But children are more effective as hostages."

"As a challenge, because they're bored of only kidnapping children all the time?"

Edgeworth sighed. "If they were looking for a challenge, they should have opted for kidnapping Oldbag instead."

"Why do you hate her so much? She's not that bad."

"Oldbag-phobia," Gumshoe whispered.

"Oh, right."

**(65) She does not have a puppy.**

"Why? Puppies are so adorable. I just want to squish them, and cuddle them, and snuggle them, and maybe even eat them. They're just so cute."

"Maybe she had one already but then ate it when she was starving one day?"

"Wow, Polly. I never knew you were so smart you could come up with that theory!"

"I graduated from law school."

"So? I didn't go to school, and I can count to fifty! Ha!"

**(66) She is a midget.**

"Don't say that! Being short is a pretty cool thing."

"Oh really?"

"Let me put it for you this way: tall people become models or basketball players; short people travel into the depths of Mordor on a journey to save the world by destroying One Ring. They become so famous that they become the multi-million dollar franchise Lord of the Rings. You pick."

"I want to be a midget."

"There you go."

**(67) She does not have an imaginary friend named Balloon.**

"Why woul d anyone have a balloon as an imaginary friend?"

"I never said that Balloon was a balloon! Balloon could be a super cool CIA agent working undercover as a balloon."

"Same thing."

"Meh."

**(68) She could have a hidden talent for sumo wrestling.**

"Don't we all?"

"NO."

**(69) She lives on a mountain. (**credit: **Diana Lily and Isabella)**

"Poor Bikini. All she sees is snow all day. We should have invited her to come out to the desert with us."

"NO."

"WHY?"

"SHE. IS. ANNOYING."

**(70) She likes making snowmen. (**credit: **Diana Lily and Isabella)**

"Maybe we should start a donation pool that enables the lost bikinis in Bikini Orphanage to make snowmen from concrete."

"NO."

"WHY?"

"BECAUSE. THAT. IS. A. WASTE. OF. MONEY. AND. CONCRETE."

**(71) She does not get butterflies in her stomach when she looks at the judge.**

**(72) Which is good, because Angel Starr would have been jealous.**

"Then Bikini would die and haunt Polly forever and ever. I like this happy ending, don't you?"

**(73) She does not stalk people when she is bored.**

"At least she respects our privacy. Do _you_ stalk people when you're bored, Detective Gumshoe?"

"What? Of course I don't, pal! What do you take me for?"

"I don't know if I should believe you. People like you are very suspicious."

Gumshoe sighed and scratched his head. "If only all victims were as suspicious as you, we wouldn't have had so many dead people."

"But then we wouldn't get free candy from strangers. Free candy! That's almost as good as free burgers! I say take free food from whoever offers you some. It's free food for crying out loud!"

"Maya, it is a mystery how you have survived so long and have only been kidnapped once."

"Heh heh heh. Bad guys know not to mess with me, don't they, Pearly?"

Pearl grinned and nodded in reply.

**(74) She is Dora's number one fan.**

"Does she even watch Dora?"

"She could."

"I don't remember seeing a TV at the temple."

"It was invisible at the time. And let me guess: you didn't see her Dora collection?"

"Dora collection?"

"Yep. She has practically all of Dora's merchandise. I see potential in her."

"Potential to do what exactly?"

"A potential stalker. She has gifts, Polly. Gifts! Maybe we can get her a stalking mentor for her next birthday. I think she'd like that. Anyone in mind?"

**(75) She could have been pregnant when we visited her.**

"Why pregnant?"

"Because it's rude to call a woman fat."

**(76) She had a traumatic experience involving a snowmobile.**

**(77) Probably a miscarriage.**

"But the snowmobile escapade happened before we even arrived at the temple."

"Well, maybe she got pregnant again after that!"

"Objection! You just said it was a traumatic event, why would she want to be pregnant when her pregnancy will remind her of the so called 'traumatic event'?"

"Mr. Wright, you're badgering the witness. Leave her alone. Or I will pound my imaginary gavel on your head. It will hurt. You will need a serious operation. You will die from it. I will eat ice cream. And cookies. On your grave."

**(78) Sometimes, when she's alone, she likes to pretend to be Winnie the Pooh riding a magic school bus that magically turns into Spiderman when spinach is forced into the hole-thing you put gasoline in.**

"Unlikely."

"Don't care."

**(79) She likes Spongebob. (**credit: **Invader Phoenix)**

"Is Spongebob real?"

"Yes. In fact, he came to visit not too long ago. He was looking for mushrooms that sing nursery rhymes every time you poke it. Of course he's not real, you idiot!"

**(80) She is not allergic to snow.**

"Okay, Trucy, what does that tell you?"

**(81) She is not allergic to water.**

"So...?"

**(82) So she takes baths.**

"What else, Trucy?"

**(83) She is hygienic.**

"Good, and she is hygienic because...?"

**(84) She does not drive away potential boyfriends and/or suitors.**

"Excellent, my dear Trucy. What can you conclude from that?"

**(85) She is tired of her lonely single life of living on a practically isolated mountain and is looking for love.**

"I'm so proud of you, Trucy. I couldn't have put it any better myself."

**(86) She is very independent.**

"Maybe her independency comes from the fact that she is lives in a temple. On a mountain. With bears."

"Or maybe because she doesn't serve her guests free food."

**(87) She does not have an evil twin.**

"If she does, I'm going to name her evil twin after Charlie. Remember Charlie, Pearly?"

"The plant in Mr. Nick's office?"

"Yep! I remember pouring carrot juice into his pot late at night while watching the Steel Samurai whenever Nick was too busy preparing for his cases to notice. Ah, good times."

"...Why did you pour carrot juice of all things?"

"So that Charlie can see better, of course. It must be sad to be a plant and unable to watch Steel Samurai greatness."

**(88) She does not work for the secret service.**

"That would be boring."

**(89) She does not personally know the president.**

"Who is the president anyways?"

"I don't know. They change every couple of years so I gave up keeping track of them after Obama."

**(90) She does not answer all of Dora's questions.**

"I think that's rude."

**(91) She does not sing along to Dora's theme song.**

**(92) She should grow facial hair.**

"Why? She's a girl!"

**(93) To keep her identity secret.**

"And why would she want to do that?"

**(94) Because aliens are interested in her.**

"Alien chocolate chip cookies?"

"Alien chocolate chip cookies."

**(95) She likes waffles.**

"I like waffles."

"Me too."

"Let's have a waffle party!"

**(96) She is not invited to our waffle party.**

**(97) She does not have a catchphrase.**

"Maybe she needs one. Just so we can make fun of her for it."

"If you do, her spirit will haunt you forever. Just like what she'll do to Apollo once she dies."

**(98) She is very loud.**

"Very. Loud."

**(99) She does not give out her phone number to random strangers on the street and expect them to call her.**

"If she does, it's like she's practically begging the strangers to kidnap her."

**(100) She does not talk to the folds of her stomach.**

"That is just creepy. Very creepy."

* * *

><p>"Okay, now that we're finished with our letters, let's read them all one by one."<p>

"This one's mine," Trucy said.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Iris,<em>

_We all know you are very pretty, but Daddy doesn't like you. Leave him alone._

_Thank you for your attention. We would appreciate it if you don't kill yourself and blame us in your suicide note._

_Lots of love from your local magician,_

_Trucy_

* * *

><p>"And this one's mine," said Kay.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Yoyoyo what's up!<em>

_You have been invited to the Yatagarasu training camp in the Middle of Nowhere._

_Classes include:_

_-the art of stealing_

_-the art of hiding_

_-the art of disguising_

_-and other thief-related arts_

_Join now for only $9.99_

_Contact us on Facebook if you have a Facebook account._

_If not, contact us on Twitter._

_But if you have none of those accounts, call us: 555-555-555-555-555_

_We know no such number exists._

_Have a nice day!_

_The Yatagarasu Foundation_

* * *

><p>"And mine." Pearl smiled.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Die.<em>

* * *

><p>"That was short."<p>

"But I was straight to the point."

"So whose should we send?" Trucy asked. "They were all really good."

"Then let's send them all!"

And so they did.

* * *

><p><strong>AR: I AM FINALLY FINISHED! FINALLY! I started to write this a few months ago, but then I got a little sidetracked by osu!. People with android devices out there, I suggest you play it. It is very addicting. Very. And then there's school. Mine starts this Friday. Curse you Student Orientation Programme.**

**Our next victim will be Byrne Faraday.**

**(1) Sherlock Holmes FTW!**

**PLEASE REVIEW! :D**


	11. Byrne Faraday

"Has she replied yet?" Kay asked, pacing back and forth.

Trucy peered into her Magic Panties, then looked at Kay, shaking her head.

"She's taking too long to reply!" Kay fumed.

Pearl exited her tent and, with a smile, said, "Maybe she can't reply because she's dead. We should celebrate!"

"How? Everyone else is asleep. Polly threatened to sue if we woke him up again," Trucy said, frowning. She pulled a diary out of her Magic Panties. "From what I've read in Polly's diary entries, he really doesn't like it when we wake him up in the middle of the night. Especially when it's to ask him about where babies come from. I always forget his explanations for them."

Pearl looked shocked. "You do?"

Trucy nodded.

"Let me explain it to you then. When a woman falls in love, her hormones act up and then she gets all depressed and start craving for weird food. Like in Chemistry, the weird food combine together to form a fetus. So we are actually made up of all the right amounts of food mixed together. So theoretically, we can get pregnant if we know the _right_ amounts of the _right_ food."

Kay screamed. "Let's get Mystic Maya pregnant! Usually, when a girl gets pregnant, her boyfriend marries her. We can do this while waiting for Iris' letter."

"Great idea, Kay!" Trucy gasped. "Wait, how will we know the right foodstuffs? We don't know anyone pregnant. Oh wait! Let's ask Daddy later. He knows a lot of people."

The other two agreed.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) He is not fluffy.<strong>

"Of course he isn't fluffy!" Larry screamed.

"Who's not fluffy?"

Larry turned. "Kay! You're late. We're making a list about your father."

**(2) Then he is DEFINITELY not fluffy.**

"Fluffy things aren't manly. My dad is very manly. Do the math, people!"

Larry nodded. "Exactly what I told them! Kay! We see eye to eye now. I see the start of a beautiful friendship," Larry said, as he started to tear up.

Kay frowned as she looked at him. "I'm sorry, I would love to your friend, but Mr. Edgeworth says that if I hang around you too much I'd turn into someone like you and that after that we would plot to take over the world by corrupting people to turn idiots and form an invincible army of idiots. I think he's a pacifist."

"Edgey said that?" Larry looked thoughtful.

"Only the first part. I guessed that he was thinking the second part."

"Wow, you know Edgey so well, Kay!"

"I do, don't I?"

Edgeworth sweatdropped. "I do _not_ have such childish thoughts."

**(3) He is the greatest daddy ever.**

**(4) He is the greatest thief ever.**

**(5) He is the best defense attorney ever.**

Maya gasped. "But I thought Nick was the best defense attorney ever. Nick! You lied to me! How could you!"

Pearl punched Phoenix.

**(6) He's in heaven now.**

**(7) He's wearing a white dress now.**

**(8) And he's got wings.**

"I've always wanted wings," Larry said.

"If a foolish fool like you gets wings, I would use my whip to whip those foolishly foolish wings off your back."

"But Franzy! I'd get hurt!"

"That is the point, you fool." Franziska whipped Larry.

"Ouch! Franzy! You hurt me!" He started to cry.

Pearl frowned at him. "Take it like a man!"

**(9) He is the father of the greatest thief in existence.**

Franziska continued whipping Larry in the background while the rest continued on with the list.

**(10) He tucked the world's greatest thief into bed every night.**

"That's so sweet! Daddy used to tuck me into bed every night too!"

"What happened?"

Trucy frowned, thinking. "I think he got scared of Mr. Hat. I mean, Mr. Hat does look like a gangster with sunglasses on, don't you think? Sunglasses were in then."

**(11) He doesn't do the hustle.**

"He can't dance, period. One time, he tried to do the waltz with me, but then we ended up crashing into our aquarium so many times it broke and I think we stepped on almost all the fish along the way. Poor fish."

"Did you make them all a grave?" Pearl asked.

Kay shook her head. "After we stepped on them all, the scene was so gory it scarred my mind so much I started crying and went for therapy for a few years. But I think Daddy made a nice little grave for them all."

"Then I guess I shouldn't try to channel any one of their spirits. They might try to kidnap you!"

"Or rape you!" Gumshoe interjected.

"And rape is bad. So Mystic Maya and I will never channel animal spirits anymore. Just in case."

Kay hugged Pearl and Maya. "Thank you!"

**(12) He enjoyed watching reruns of Barney with the world's greatest thief.**

**(13) And re-runs of Dora too.**

**(14) He watches over the world's greatest thief from where he currently is.**

"'Where he currently is'?" Apollo quoted.

Kay nodded. "Mm-hm. It's a code word for Heaven."

**(15) Like a stalker.**

"He is _not_ a stalker! He didn't even have a copy of Mystic Maya's book on stalking people. I double-checked," Gumshoe said.

"Let's get him one!"

"But how will we get a book to him in heaven?"

"FedEx?"

"Great idea! And if FedEx fails, we can always try UPS. Problem solved."

**(16) He was not crazy over K-pop when he was younger.**

**(17) Nor was he crazy over J-pop.**

"If he was, he never told me."

"Maybe he was, but he kept it a secret."

"But why?"

"The same reasons adults keep secrets from us. It is either too embarrassing for them to tell or that it is something revolutionary that can only be revealed at the right time, i.e. when the world is going to end. Just like in the movies."

"So when the world is going to end, Daddy will come visit me here from Heaven and confess about his love of K-pop/J-pop? How's that supposed to help save the world?"

"I don't know. Messages like that are supposed to be cryptic. Maybe K-pop is code for something!"

**(18) He makes up weird codes.**

**(19) He doubles as a mommy.**

**(20) And as a grandma.**

**(21) And a grandpa.**

"They disappeared when I was younger."

"Kay! I got it! They probably sacrificed themselves to save the earth, and K-pop is code for some sort of Korean codex that would destroy the world if found!"

"WE CRACKED THE CODE! And now that I think about it.."

**(22) His father could fire a gun.**

**(23) His mother could drive a truck.**

"That was probably how they killed the first bad guy. Your grandpa shot him, then your grandma disposed of the body."

"They make a great team. Maybe that's why they married each other."

**(24) He is not an alien chocolate chip cookie.**

Phoenix frowned. "You girls are getting ridiculous."

**(25) He does not eat brains.**

**(26) So he is not a zombie.**

"Hypothetically, if he was a zombie then that means I'm a zombie too! I've always wanted to be a zombie!"

Pearl and Trucy grinned. "We'll turn you into a zombie on your birthday!"

"Yay!"

**(27) He does not name all his water bottles.**

**(28) Or calls them his friends.**

"I named my water bottle Gummy Bear."

"Detective Gumshoe, we didn't have to know."

**(29) He is not edging towards insanity.**

"I'm not edging towards insanity too."

**(30) He does not giggle.**

"Why not?"

"I asked him once. He said giggling wasn't very manly."

Larry heard this while being whipped. "BUT _I_ GIGGLE!" he shouted, loud enough to be heard against the sound of Franziska's whipping.

"We've had this conversation before, Larry. You're not very manly," Pearl said.

**(31) He does not jump onto unsuspecting cars for free rides.**

"That would be criminal."

**(32) He does not drive a trishaw.**

"I've always wanted to drive a trishaw. They look so cute!"

**(33) He thinks they're cute too.**

"Wow Trucy, you have something in common with my dad! Maybe when you guys meet in the next life, you guys could start a club or something."

"I will! Maybe we could start-up a Magic Panties club!"

Phoenix blanched. "Uh. I doubt it."

**(34) He does not go up to random strangers, scream "This is SPARTA" and pull down their pants as a part-time job.**

**(35) Even though he was offered to.**

**(36) That makes him a good example.**

"Which is why I think Franziska should stop physically abusing people. It's wrong. And verbally abusing them too," Kay mused.

"She abuses a lot of people in so many ways, doesn't she?" Trucy agreed.

**(37) He is not a sexist pig.**

**(38) He does not own a papaya tree.**

"I've always wanted a papaya tree," Gumshoe sighed. "Think of all the free food I could get if I had one. I won't have to live on instant noodles anymore. I'd finally have my first healthy meal in years!"

Edgeworth received a lot of glares.

**(39) He does not go crazy over any mentioning of burgers.**

"Like _somebody _I know."

Maya frowned. "I wonder who." Realization hit her. "Hey! I do _not_ go crazy! I get excited. There's a difference! You try living in an isolated village with no good burgers for _miles._ I dare you."

**(40) He does not own slaves.**

**(41) He does not eat pandas.**

"Who would eat pandas? They're so fluffy!"

"Bunnies are fluffy. People eat bunnies. Kangaroos are fluffy. People eat kangaroos too," Apollo pointed out.

Trucy frowned. "How could they stand their puppy dog eyes? And their fluffiness?"

"We should ask someone one day."

**(42) He does not treat pandas as slaves.**

"You know, that's got me thinking. I wonder how good pandas are at manual labour?"

"They're fluffy. They can do anything!"

"Then I want to be fluffy too!" Kay said.

"We should adopt some sheep, shave them, then hug them."

"We should!"

"How will that make you girls fluffy?"

"It won't. But I've always wanted to hug a naked sheep."

**(43) He does not pretend he is a panda.**

"He did dress up as a panda when he went trick-or-treating with me once."

"Oh, why?"

"He thought that pandas would keep potential kidnappers away from me."

"Did it work?"

"I didn't get kidnapped!" Kay grinned.

"If only we had more pandas in this world as bodyguards. The crime rate would be so much lower."

**(44) He has interesting hair. (**credit: **Guest)**

"He wanted to keep it long."

"Why?"

"He says people think he's in the mafia like that."

"Is he?"

**(45) He is not in the mafia. (**credit: **Guest)**

**(46) He is not a kidnapper.**

**(47) Now is he a potential kidnapper.**

"He looks like the type though."

Apollo got elbowed in his stomach.

**(48) He does not speak with a fake British accent like Edgey does.**

"It is _not _fake. I spent a large part of my life in Europe, I'll have you know."

"It still sounds fake to us."

**(49) He is part of the Yatagarasu. (**credit: **Guest)**

"I'm part of the Yatagarasu now too. I think he's proud."

**(50) He does not eat kangaroos.**

"I thought I'd just put it out there for when people think otherwise."

**(51) He has an interesting daughter. (**credit: **Guest)**

"Aww... It's so sweet that you think so!"

**(52) He has never played hookey in court.**

"You should never play hookey in court too, Polly," Trucy said.

Apollo gaped. "But I _always _show up! My clients are the ones missing all the time!"

"Still. You're their lawyer, so that means you're their new friend, which somehow means that they're your children so you need to take care of them."

"But that doesn't make sense!"

"I have magic panties! I don't have to make sense!"

**(53) Except for that one time when I got hit by a car.**

**(54) And that other time when I got abducted by aliens.**

"Those are the only exceptions."

"'Abducted by aliens?'"

"I'm very interesting, remember? Apparently, the aliens thought so too."

**(55) He does not know how to train your dragon.**

**(56) He knows a lot of big words.**

"Edgey knows a lot of big words too," Gumshoe pointed out.

"You've started calling him Edgey too!" Maya exclaimed with stars in her eyes. "Oldbag will be so proud to have started a new fad! I'll go tell her now!"

Edgeworth gaped in utter disbelief. "How?"

"We're pretty close friends on Facebook you know. And guess what? She loves the Steel Samurai too!"

"I thought she hated the Steel Samurai," Phoenix said.

Maya shrugged. "The Steel Samurai probably wooed her somehow during one of her security guard jobs. He _is _the Steel Samurai after all!"

**(57) He does not behave like a hormonal teenager.**

"How _does_ a hormonal teenager behave like?"

"Hm.. Like Larry, I guess. Or like Mr. Edgeworth before he starts hyperventilating when he sees Oldbag. I still call it love."

Edgeworth sighed. "I don't have the energy to argue anymore."

**(58) He is not part of a cult.**

**(59) He is not part of a cult that worships Franziska.**

"A cult like that exists?" Apollo said.

Pearl nodded. "Yep. I think Larry's a senior member in it."

**(60) As far as we know.**

"He might be in a cult that worships puppies!"

"Why puppies?"

"Because. They are fluffy."

**(61) He did not donate his pretty, pretty hair to charity.**

"Oh Larry, there are so many things wrong with you. A man does not describe another man's hair as 'pretty', much less repeat the unmanly word twice." Edgeworth sighed.

Larry flailed his arms. "There is nothing wrong with me! I escaped Franzy's whip of love just to write that and you say that about me? How could you! You broke my heart." Larry cried. Edgeworth remained impassive.

**(62) But he does donate sodium thiosulfate to charity.**

"Why sodium thiosulfate of all things?"

"He heard that it's an antidote for cyanide poisoning. So just in case a serial killer poisons one of the poor orphans with potassium cyanide, they won't die. He's so thoughtful isn't he?"

**(63) He feels that he is beautiful.**

"Oh Larry. Only you feel that way."

**(64) He does not have a magic pocket full of everything.**

"So we can rule out all possibilities of him being Doraemon."

**(65) He is not a unicorn.**

**(66) He is not a unicorn that poops rainbows.**

**(67) Or leprechauns.**

"I wish I had a unicorn that poops leprechauns!"

A unicorn appeared. It pooped a leprechaun.

"Yay! I think I'm going to call you Mrs. Hat. Let me introduce you to your new husband!"

**(68) He does not jiggle his butt when he is happy.**

"I wonder why not. I jiggle my butt when I'm happy. It's like a release."

**(69) He is not an alien bent on destroying the world.**

**(70) He loves everything that starts with the letter 'K'.**

"Such as yours truly, kangaroos, koalas and kryptonite."

**(71) He is computer literate, unlike most adults.**

"Oldbag is computer literate! She knows how to use the internet!"

"I wonder who taught her."

"She's young. She's hip. She probably learned it herself," Maya concluded.

"Young?" Edgeworth asked while raising a brow.

"Well, she said she lost count of her age after twenty-one, right? So her age could be anything between that and a hundred. She could be the same age as you and Nick."

Edgeworth blanched at the sudden realization.

**(72) He does not need a whip to protect himself.**

**(73) He does not need a riding crop to protect himself.**

**(74) But if he does, Franzy is very willing to teach him how to use her whip of love.**

"Whip of love? Larry, seriously." Phoenix groaned and face-palmed.

"But Franzy whips me because she loves me! It's the only logical explanation!"

Larry was whipped in the face. "You foolishly foolish fool and your foolish intellect. That is neither logical nor true. Now apologize for your foolishness at once, you fool!"

**(75) He has never been kidnapped before.**

"I think that's because he's an adult. Adults generally don't get kidnapped."

**(76) He does not approve of ponies.**

"Why not?" Pearl asked.

Kay's lips curled into a frown. "I think it's because his pony ran away from him when he was younger. I heard that they were best friends or something like that. He felt that his pony's escape was an act of perfidy and has hated ponies ever since."

"I feel bad for your dad."

"Me too. I hope it died too so that they can meet in heaven."

**(77) He has never wanted whiskers.**

"He told me once that they looked itchy and are overrated."

**(78) He hated my pet rock.**

"Why? I thought rocks don't do much," Larry thought out loud.

"He hated inactiveness. And he hated my pet rock's name."

"What did you name it?"

"Umby."

"There's nothing wrong—"

"It was short for Umbilical Cord."

"Oh. There's nothing wrong with Umbilical Cord as a name!"

"I know right!"

**(79) He hated Paddington Bear dolls.**

**(80) He hated a lot of things.**

**(81) He does not shave his legs.**

"Do men even shave their legs?" Pearl mused.

"I shaved Nick's legs once!" Maya exclaimed. "Oh! I shaved Gumshoe's legs after that too! And then Larry's. I _almost_ shaved Edgeworth and Godot's legs."

"Almost?"

"They caught on to what I was doing before I started on them," Maya muttered. "But even so, Nick, Gumshoe and Larry's legs were soooooo shiny after that! I was so proud of myself I had Nick buy me a burger to celebrate."

**(82) He does not shave his armpits.**

"I tried shaving them too, but this was after the leg shaving fiasco, so they stopped me before I did anything much. Though I am proud to say that I at least got one of Nick's armpits. I got him to treat me to another burger to celebrate that acheivement too."

**(83) He does not speak Ye Olde English.**

"Thou hath underestimateth thy fatherth."

"You can't speak Ye Olde English," said Pearl bluntly.

"Darn!"

**(84) He sweats from his eyes.**

"You mean he cries?" Apollo asked.

Kay looked insulted. "He does _not_ cry! He told me he didn't. Are you accusing my father of lying?"

"Erm, no?"

"Good. You're now my slave. I request cookies. Go!"

Apollo went to fetch Kay cookies.

**(85) Before he became a lawyer, he had dreams of being the UPS guy.**

**(86) And before even that, he wanted to be the pizza guy.**

"Should I ask why?"

"Yes."

"Why?" Apollo asked.

"He thought they were fun jobs."

"Were they?"

"Well, he became a defense lawyer in the end, right?"

**(87) He has never taken belly dancing classes.**

**(88) He will never take belly dancing classes.**

"Do you think there'll be belly dancing classes in Heaven?" Trucy asked, while stroking her unicorn's mane.

"Maybe. What else do you think people do in Heaven? There has to be at least some form of entertainment up there."

**(89) He is a pretty butterfly.**

"I do not want to comment on this fool's foolishness."

**(90) He does not have hemorrhoids.**

**(91) He does not bring up hemorrhoids into every conversation.**

**(92) He does not think about hemorrhoids every second of the day.**

"You know, this sounds familiar."

**(93) He does not want to have hemorrhoids.**

"It sounds painful. Is it painful?"

"I don't know. Let's ask Nick. Hey Nick, are hemorrhoids painful?"

"Maya. I don't have hemorrhoids. I don't know."

Maya sighed. "Nick is such a let down. Let's ask Godot! He's been missing for a while, hasn't he? OH GOOOODDDOOOOTT? WHERE ARE YOUUUU? WE WANT TO KNOW IF HEMORRHOIDS HURT!"

She received no answer.

"I think Godot is ignoring me again. Oh well."

**(94) He does not have a nappy rash.**

**(95) So he does not need nappy rash treatment.**

"I wonder how you treat nappy rashes."

"I think they operate on it. Or they use some sort of medical balm or cream? Hm. We should ask a doctor about this someday."

**(96) He is not old enough to need adult diapers.**

"I wonder at what age you need adult diapers. Do _you _need adult diapers, Mr. Payne?"

Winston Payne smiled at having been asked a question. "No, I don't. I'm not old enough, see."

**(97) He does not feel that he is a Barbie girl who lives in a Barbie world.**

**(98) He never needed psychiatric help.**

**(99) He loves seaweed flavoured popcorn.**

**(100) He will help me take over the world.**

"Kay, world domination is not part of the Yatagarasu's job."

"Then it'll now be part of what I do."

"KNEEL BEFORE YOUR QUEEN OR I'LL CUT YOUR PRIVATES OFF! MWHAHAHAHAHAH! TRUCY HAS SCISSORS AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO BORROW AND USE THEM!"

Winston Payne kneeled.

"You shall now be my minion! Rise, minion! Our first order of business is to wipe the world of puppy-eaters. Go! Run like the wind and find me people guilty of eating puppies!"

* * *

><p>"Erm, Mr. Edgeworth, sir, should we be worried about Kay?" Gumshoe asked, scratching the back of his head as if embarrassed by asking such thing.<p>

Edgeworth shook his head. "Leave her alone. It's probably just her way of dealing with her father's death. She still hasn't accepted and gotten used to that fact yet. Notice how she alternated between present and past tense?"

Stars shone in Gumshoe's eyes. "That's Mr. Edgeworth for ya. He sees all and knows all," he said to himself.

"If you can be like me, I expect you to stop being useless and—"

"EDGEY-POO IS THAT YOU?" a very, very familiar voice screamed from halfway across the desert.

"Oh no."

* * *

><p><strong>AR: I am alive :') But for how much longer, I do not know. Bright side: Christmas break is coming soon.. In two months. At least I've got that to look forward to. And the new James Bond movie! And the Alex Cross one too.. And then there's also The Hobbit. I have so much to live for :')**

**Quite frankly, the next update will probably take a few months, but I am very determined to complete this story. Very determined.**

**So, our next victim is Colias Palaeno and I do hope you review :)**


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